Tony Bock

TONY enters the Chinese restaurant and approaches the LADY behind the counter. He peruses the menu a...

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 23:26:58 -0500

TONY enters the Chinese restaurant and approaches the LADY behind the counter. He peruses the menu a...

Which estate do you think the “free credit report dot com” people bought that...

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 23:46:37 -0500

Which estate do you think the “free credit report dot com” people bought that...

Next time she’s trying to watch her favorite fucking Romantic Comedy, I’m gonna get...

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 15:54:55 -0500

Next time she’s trying to watch her favorite fucking Romantic Comedy, I’m gonna get...

(Above, Tim Tebow “Tebowing” with Maria Menounos at...

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 13:48:11 -0500

(Above, Tim Tebow “Tebowing” with Maria Menounos at a Super Bowl party)

Matthew 6:5-6: ”And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men….when thou prayest, enter into thy closet and when thou has shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret….” - Jesus

Wait - what was I talking about?

Oh, yeah…

So at this Super Bowl party last night, Tim Tebow was being “flocked by women” but seemed quite smitten with Extra host Maria Menounos… I get why ladies would want Tebow, I guess - the money, the fame… he Really, REALLY, REALLY wants to get married…

I’m gonna start selling “MM!” wristbands - so people can wear “WWJD?” on one hand and “MM!” (Maria Menounos) on the other…

I like John Krasinski… He reminds me a lot of...

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 14:41:58 -0500

I like John Krasinski…

He reminds me a lot of Cosby…

Not his comedic acting style.

His movie role choices.

Just tried to take it TWO days at a time...

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 13:32:08 -0500

and badly sprained my space-time continuum.

Dear Everyone,

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 15:04:00 -0500

Did I miss the meeting where we all decided we watch and love something called Downton...

BREWER RELEASES COPY OF LETTER SHE HANDED TO OBAMA “In a...

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 14:25:08 -0500

BREWER RELEASES COPY OF LETTER SHE HANDED TO OBAMA

“In a sudden about-face, Gov. Jan Brewer on Thursday evening made public a copy of the letter she handed President Barack Obama during their high-profile encounter a day earlier that dominated national news, the blogosphere and water-cooler conversation,” reports The Arizona Republic.

Dear Mr. “President” (LOL) (*SIGH!*) (UGH),

As you can see by the Red, White and Blue crayon this letter was written with, I HEART this country, BIG TIME!!! As someone actually born here I can understand why it’s more difficult for a foreigner like you to truly appreciate all the neat, amazing stuff this land offers. I know the demands of your office are great. You’ve surely been very busy consulting with Chavez and Achmenidijad, helping Kim Jong U.N. learn the ropes, studying Europe for good socialist ideas, apologizing to EVERYONE all over the freakin’ place, putting people on food stamps, putting people on welfare and reading your “holy” koran. I get you don’t have the time to notice that down here in Arizona there’s a freakin’ butt ton of Mexicans doing the salsa right over the border into MY country! It’s ridiculous, man! I know you’ve probably never read that Constitution as you’ve put it through the oval office paper shredder, but there’s a big part in there about “EVERYONE’S CREATED EQUAL BY GOD (except for the Mexicans - KEEP ‘EM OUT OF HERE!)” That’s a direct quote. So, since you ain’t gonna be doing anything about it, I will. YOU ARE EVIL AND ARE DESTROYING THIS NATION!

Cordially yours,

Jan

I don’t know what kind of mad/mystical science is behind...

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 20:49:07 -0500

I don’t know what kind of mad/mystical science is behind the Wu-Name Generator, but this (first try ever!) is hitting a little too close to home…

WEIRD.

I'm not a GOTH now, you guys...

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 14:48:46 -0500

It was the BLACK JELLYBEANS! I swear!

BOCK: Welcome to the #TonySystem INT. FUTURISTIC COMEDY CLUB...

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 15:37:00 -0500

BOCK: Welcome to the #TonySystem

INT. FUTURISTIC COMEDY CLUB STAGE

Laser lights flash as two large “SURRENDER WEAK” banners hang behind the stage. TONY BOCK falls from the sky and lands on-stage with a SPLAT.

GFX: TONYSYSTEM

A crowd BOOS as Tony meekly limps around the stage like a fucked up deer.

TONY

You’re at the bottom of your game’s!

We see KRIS HUMPRHIES in the crowd in a tuxedo, seated next to former President JIMMY CARTER.

TONY

You couldn’t be less prestigious!

Singer LANA DEL REY runs her hand through her flowing hair.

TONY

You don’t even have your own space!

BERNIE MADOFF, in a prison jumpsuit, nods solemnly.

MADOFF

I don’t.

TONY

You taught me everything I know.

CARROT TOP beams with pride as JAR JAR BINKS looks on in admiration.

VINCE SHLOMI, The Slap Chop dude, sits next to THE WINKLEVOSS TWINS, who are both daintily sipping on cans of New Coke.

TONY

So what’s next? Where do you go from the bottom? (beat) You go under the bottom.

GFX: An upside-down pyramid with “Failure” highlighted at the bottom and arrows pointing out to “The TonySystem” below.

MADOFF

Sounds powerfully legitimate!

TONY

How do you know when you’re in the TonySystem? (beat) (SUPER cocky) Look at ‘yer feet.

The assembled crowd looks down and they’re all wearing the 2013 GROUND BOCKS.

TONY

Any questions?

STEVE BARTMAN, in familiar Cubs ball cap and turtleneck/sweatshirt, removes his headphones dramatically.

BARTMAN

What if you’ve really failed?

VINCE, from Slap Chop

He makes a good point…

TONY

(4-minute pause) (bowing)

I’m sorry…

##END##

Gotta say the doc about the final LCD Soundsystem show ever SHUT...

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 17:52:30 -0500

Gotta say the doc about the final LCD Soundsystem show ever SHUT UP AND PLAY THE HITS looks pretty dope…

I think I’m gonna call the doc about my final stand-up show ever SHUT UP.

I've been minding my P's & Q's...

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 15:58:22 -0500

which sucks, cuz I’ve had to take precious attention away from my preferred T’s &...

It’s with great sadness and a tremendously heavy heart...

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 16:02:18 -0500

It’s with great sadness and a tremendously heavy heart that I regretfully inform you that, indeed, I clicked on this link.

(TRY NOT TO - JUST TRY…)

(DARE ‘YA!)

(*DOUBLE DOG DARE ‘YA!!!*)

The only “Joyful Noise” I can possibly imagine...

Sat, 14 Jan 2012 16:55:12 -0500

The only “Joyful Noise” I can possibly imagine hearing during the movie Joyful Noise is my death rattle.

We all know the google definition of “Santorum” - so...

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 13:20:00 -0500

We all know the google definition of “Santorum” - so I think we should get one started for “Romney”:

Romney 1. The damp mix of sweat and oily moisturizer residue left on your shirt that is sometimes the byproduct of a condescending slap on the back from your boss immediately after he fires you. 2. Governor Mitt Romney.

Q: Is this picture of me with social media master Rob Delaney...

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 15:44:27 -0500

Q: Is this picture of me with social media master Rob Delaney after the show last night as close as I’m ever gonna get to being big on twitter?

A: ABSOLUTELY!

Romney, when asked for his response to Mike Huckabee’s...

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 17:44:19 -0500

Romney, when asked for his response to Mike Huckabee’s (forehanded compliment/) comment that “Mitt Romney is the ‘Denny’s’ of the Republican field”, hastily turned to an aide and asked, “What’s a Denny’s?”

After an explanation of what Huck meant, Mitt returned the favor, noting that “Mike Huckabee is the One-Star Guide Michelin rated ‘La Grande Cascade’ distinctive Francaise haute cuisine of the GOP.”

“My bling bling is crunk - fo’ shizzle!” - Shit My Aunt Hasn’t...

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 15:46:19 -0500

“My bling bling is crunk - fo’ shizzle!” - Shit My Aunt Hasn’t...

TO CLARIFY:

Mon, 02 Jan 2012 16:54:01 -0500

when I said my material hit with the force & precision of Muhammad Ali… I meant...