The Department of Education recommends my address to students as a supplement to President Obama’s speech on Back to School Day:
Prepared Remarks of Tony Bock
Back to School Event - Brooklyn, New York - September 8, 2009
Hi Kids!
Hey! Put your phone down for one second and listen to this!
Seriously!
Stop fucking sexting!
NOW!!!
Okay…
Let’s first give a hand to President Obama for his speech - wasn’t that great?!
My only problem was with this one little line: “Maybe you could be a good writer – maybe even good enough to write a book or articles in a newspaper – but you might not know it until you write a paper for your English class.”
Fuck that! Kids - “newspapers” and “books” ain’t gonna last much longer - neither are profitable right now! They certainly won’t be around by the time you get out of school. So forget about that - besides, the fools/”good writers” now who are in newspapers and books are just trying to build their brand through facebook and twitter so they can get a reality show.
Fact!
Fucking fact!
And you should do the same!
Build your brand at all costs… Studying takes useful time away from your brand building… You think adults are paying attention at work or preparing for work from home anymore? Hell no! They’re building their brand!
So why shouldn’t you? All those dumb facts you’re missing out on now will still be on Wikipedia in ten fucking years…
And…
Don’t delve into issues - DEMONIZE! A Republican comes up with concerns about a healthcare system shakeup - DON’T LISTEN TO THAT RACIST, GLENN BECK-LOVING, REDNECK DUMBFUCK… A Democrat comes up with concerns about preemptive war - DON’T LISTEN TO THAT COMMUNIST, RACHEL MADDOW (SAME-SEX)-FUCKING, TRAITOR DUMBFUCK…
Get them in their boxes…fast…there’s no room or time for conversation or nuance in America…
Pick on the weak. Pretend like you’re not.
Get plastic surgery to enlarge your breasts and other features which ARE MAKING YOU LOOK UGLY AND UNFUCKABLE (the greatest Sin in our society)!!!
Ladies: Slut it up for attention.
Guys: Slut it up for attention.
For those not in the popular crowd now, not good looking now or not in a rich family now - sorry. This is never gonna change. Seriously. Just slut it up - it’s your only hope.
When in doubt: Go with the slutty brand.
WWKKD?
What Would Kim Kardashian Do?
She has a ton of followers on twitter.
And a reality show!!!!!
She wins!
SHE WINS!!!
What have you got?
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT???
Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America.
