ROUGH DRAFT ***For Family Only***
Dear Beloved Family,
I wanted to write this to you directly, so as to lessen any confusion about “what really happened” and all…
I am moving to Montana. To a town as yet undetermined as I’m planning to fly from New York into Helena with my possessions (a 2004 Dell tower, monitor, seven books, one pair of “dress” shoes, clothes) and just kind of go from there…
I know, I know - I don’t seem like the “Montana type”… and I wasn’t… but all that stuff about the empire crashing down - IT’S TOTALLY TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Over the past few years Montana - and everything it’s about - just started to make a lot of sense to me (I know! Right?)… Shit is really, really, really fucked up. And so off I go to the wild frontier to weather this Apocalypse on exciting, new terms… I will not be renting a place as I can’t afford that, but will be exploring nature ‘til fall and then various Helena shelters and church basements until employment/institutionalization/incarceration beckons.
But most importantly I want to state - for the sake of my younger cousins and future generations - I FAILED!!!!!!!!! I’ve hemmed and hawed and Aww-Shucksed a long time about what the hell I was actually doing out here but to make a long story short: Fucking nothing. Seriously. Whatever bullshit that sounded good was blown out of proportion, embellished and exaggerated (except for the story about me, Jay-Z and Beyonce in the elevator at the CBS Broadcast Center - that was actually even cooler than you’ve heard). Whatever rumor and innuendo that made me sound broke/uninfluential - that was more true than you even know.
I’ve been out here since June 2001(!) - was even here in NYC the summer before that and feeling very cocky - and since then - over eight full years - let me tell you what I’ve learned: You’re damn lucky to even get an outright rejection - that’s right - a rejection!!! - usually your “pitch” or interview or whatever is met with a pleasant smile followed by a lifetime of silence.
That’s all I know.
The rest?
I can’t figure it out. I don’t understand… What else can I say? It’s all bullshit “built” on a foundation of The American Ruling Class Connections, drugs/alcohol and sexualpolitik…
I wouldn’t wish being a freelancer on anyone! You have no political base, no one who cares, no one who’s going to ever look out for you - you have nothing! I couldn’t have known going in, and wouldn’t understand for awhile the tragic mistake I made when I took that route and tried to (foolishly) “make it” years ago.
The closest I’ve been to fame in my eight years was when my mom and dad and sister were here visiting and we went to Mass at Saint Patrick’s and Mark Wahlberg sat next to us.
And…
The “political” “discussion” and “news” in this country is too far beyond a joke to be funny anymore. No one on either “side” knows what the fuck they’re talking about - it’s all Bud Bowl now - which side are you on, the Bud Light bottles team or the Budweiser bottles team???? and/then you better “root” accordingly!!!!
All there is is posturing now.
Yet…
I was on twitter for funk’s sake!
My one o’clock beer has given way to 12:30 beers.
I can’t give my material away for free even!
And I’m sooooo fucking done with this meaningless, unfruitful and embarrassing “brand-building” bullshit.
So I’ll see you in Big Sky Country.
Love,
Tony
