The New York Post revealed today that Yankee legend Derek Jeter is “bedding a bevy of beauties in his Trump World Tower bachelor pad - and then coldly sending them home alone with gift baskets” that they receive in the car service arranged for their Ride of Shame the next morning.  In a World Exclusive, I’ve obtained the letter Jeter’s ladies receive in the basket: Dear (Your Name{s} Here), Wow! What a night! Amazing! That was the hottest, best sex you’ve ever had!  I was incredible.  ANOTHER HOME RUN JETER!!! I know, I know - I look even better naked than I do in that snug uniform, perfectly toned ass you could bounce a quarter off of, rippling muscles practically stretching the pinstripes… You didn’t say it because you didn’t have to - I could see it by the amazed look on your acceptably symmetrical face(s).   I will never forget last night - the love I made, the laughs I gave you, the bottle of Apple Pucker I kindly didn’t ask you to reimburse me for… You’ve never been romanced like you were last night. What other lover can play you the legendary Bob Sheppard announcing “Now batting for the Yankees, number two, Derek Jeter, number two” as the crowd roars and the Star Wars music plays over the Bose system right before you get taken to a new level of ecstasy as my career highlight reel plays on repeat on a 63” flat panel plasma with the lights of the Manhattan skyline twinkling in the background? I gave you your own sexual highlight reel you’ll be replaying in your mind for a lifetime. You’re welcome! But your appreciation won’t end there, baby. In this gift basket I’ve included a variety of memorabilia signed by the laser printer specifically approved by me and the good folks at the Steiner Collectibles Corporation. These keepsakes are priceless. Like that head I so graciously allowed you to give me.  Enjoy them! Because when the urge strikes to see me you can just look at the glossy photo enclosed in the gift basket. DO NOT come back to the Trump World Tower - security WILL escort you off the premises.  Oh, and at the bottom of the basket is a little container that looks like a baseball with a “Plan B” pill in it. Be a sweetheart and swallow that down with a swig of that complimentary Aquafina in the mini-bottle also enclosed in the basket.  You’ve probably worked up a hunger from that intense, Major League workout I gave you last night, so the driver will happily drop you off at the nearest Denny’s instead of your apartment if you tell him.  Again, I’ll treasure last night forever. And who knows, maybe you’ll get “called up” to the Big Leagues again in the future!  But I WILL CALL if there’s a need for a “double header” - don’t call me (last night I told you to call me ‘O Captain! My Captain!’ - but that was a one-time thing I like to hear from that Robin Williams movie, not saying you’re allowed to call me on the phone at the Trump World Tower. Ever.) Seriously. Regards, D. Jeets  One of People Magazine’s “Most Beautiful Athletes”

The New York Post revealed today that Yankee legend Derek Jeter is “bedding a bevy of beauties in his Trump World Tower bachelor pad - and then coldly sending them home alone with gift baskets” that they receive in the car service arranged for their Ride of Shame the next morning. 

In a World Exclusive, I’ve obtained the letter Jeter’s ladies receive in the basket:

Dear (Your Name{s} Here),

Wow! What a night! Amazing! That was the hottest, best sex you’ve ever had! 

I was incredible. 

ANOTHER HOME RUN JETER!!!

I know, I know - I look even better naked than I do in that snug uniform, perfectly toned ass you could bounce a quarter off of, rippling muscles practically stretching the pinstripes… You didn’t say it because you didn’t have to - I could see it by the amazed look on your acceptably symmetrical face(s).  

I will never forget last night - the love I made, the laughs I gave you, the bottle of Apple Pucker I kindly didn’t ask you to reimburse me for…

You’ve never been romanced like you were last night. What other lover can play you the legendary Bob Sheppard announcing “Now batting for the Yankees, number two, Derek Jeter, number two” as the crowd roars and the Star Wars music plays over the Bose system right before you get taken to a new level of ecstasy as my career highlight reel plays on repeat on a 63” flat panel plasma with the lights of the Manhattan skyline twinkling in the background?

I gave you your own sexual highlight reel you’ll be replaying in your mind for a lifetime.

You’re welcome!

But your appreciation won’t end there, baby. In this gift basket I’ve included a variety of memorabilia signed by the laser printer specifically approved by me and the good folks at the Steiner Collectibles Corporation. These keepsakes are priceless. Like that head I so graciously allowed you to give me. 

Enjoy them! Because when the urge strikes to see me you can just look at the glossy photo enclosed in the gift basket. DO NOT come back to the Trump World Tower - security WILL escort you off the premises. 

Oh, and at the bottom of the basket is a little container that looks like a baseball with a “Plan B” pill in it. Be a sweetheart and swallow that down with a swig of that complimentary Aquafina in the mini-bottle also enclosed in the basket. 

You’ve probably worked up a hunger from that intense, Major League workout I gave you last night, so the driver will happily drop you off at the nearest Denny’s instead of your apartment if you tell him. 

Again, I’ll treasure last night forever. And who knows, maybe you’ll get “called up” to the Big Leagues again in the future! 

But I WILL CALL if there’s a need for a “double header” - don’t call me (last night I told you to call me ‘O Captain! My Captain!’ - but that was a one-time thing I like to hear from that Robin Williams movie, not saying you’re allowed to call me on the phone at the Trump World Tower. Ever.) Seriously.

Regards,

D. Jeets 

One of People Magazine’s “Most Beautiful Athletes”

∞ 5 months ago