Bomb with Aplomb: Footnotes of My Latest Comedy Performance
i. Well, if my new material isn’t their cup of tea I’m sure I can win them over with my looks and charm!
ii. Seems to be a lot of people talking - I could humorously engage and shame them into being quiet, but, nah, think I’ll just plow right ahead even faster so as not to distract them more! Boom!
iii. Folded Arms + Stone Faces: Not the answer I was hoping for.
iv. Continue on with this bit? YES! They’re still awake, aren’t they?
v. No, I have not gotten rich from doing stand-up comedy, shockingly.
vi. Although some lady in the back is getting more laughs than I am, think I’ll pass on using some humor here to shame them into being quiet and just plow on right ahead. Again.
vii. The reception to my stand-up also apparently relies on blind luck.
viii. Is the light on? Please, God, let the light be on. Uh-oh.
ix. This answers the age-old question: What is the sound of no hands clapping?
x. Let me translate that “uhm…” and “hmm…” for ‘ya: Do I scrap the rest of this set completely and begin an on-stage mental breakdown? Do I…just…leave? Can I? It’s gonna be a looooong rest of my life.
xi. Cliché! But…they’re with me now? They’re pleased by the momentary material halt!
xii. One lady out there is laughing at me as if I were an alien that soiled itself on-stage.
xiii. Bar-b-q sauce.
xiv. Ah, not a lot of liberal types here in the middle of New York City… I see.
xv. Moving right along…
xvi. Maybe if I ask the crowd something they’ll answer on this, the twentieth time? Wait! No. I’ll keep beating a dead horse! I swear, I WILL KEEP BEATING A DEAD HORSE! That’s my comedy motto.
xvii. Enough with the comedy material, let’s just talk about functional, good websites and how I use them!
xviii. Abandon bit! ABANDON BIT! I’m not gonna survive going through to the actual “joke” which ends with a riff on “if there were snopes for people and what they say” and how, luckily for me, there isn’t. Because at this moment I realize I feel just like a prostitute must as they’re in their act: What am I doing? How did I get here? Why am I doing this? I graduated college! Is that guy eating while I’m doing this???
xix. Should’ve probably given up on the new material long ago, but there’s never a bad time to try and get feedback from the audience and improve your craft.
xx. Then I should publish those notes!
xxi. “I swear, I’m not that bad,” I said from the stage during a comedy show at Carolines. Epic moment. This whole disaster would be fine if it were my first show. It’s far from my first show. No, seriously!
xxii. Some woman yells out “Friend Zone!” which shocks me now, as she was apparently paying attention earlier in the show, although at that time she and no one else gave any sort of audible or visual clue that they were doing as such.
xxiii. “Oh, boy…” Indeed.
xxiv. Just straight up biographical information now doing better than the material did. Think it’s a relief that I’m “off-script.” I can improvise with the best of ‘em!
xxv. I meant Jeff Foxworthy, not Jeff Dunham – maybe that’s why the entire set bombed horrifically?
xxvi. The “I’m from Nebraska” got such a good laugh I just naturally flowed into an older bit I used to do and I have to say, even as I sit here and type it, it’s still really funny that The Blue Collar Comedy Tour DVD has French subtitles. It’s fuckin’ hilarious, actually.
xxvii. Fuckin’ ‘Git ‘R Done! is fuckin’ La Salope in French! Baaaah!
xxviii. End it with some class? Yeah, they deserve an apology, really. As does the home viewer. I’m sorry.
xxix. There’s a lot of different crowd reactions comedians will happily take – laughter (ideally), clapping, hissing… Way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy down on that list is a maternally sympathetic “Awww…”