When she said she wanted “Skyrim” for Christmas I got pretty excited - thinking it was a sorta’ First Class upgrade to the “Mile High Club” membership…
But it turns out it’s some fucking fantasy video game thing!
SIGH.
THIS WEEK IN WEIRD FUCKING INTERNET VIDS
First, it came out Will Ferrell - in the Will Ferrellingest fuckin’ move of all time - approached Pabst Brewing to see if he could do a series of local ads filmed and aired only in Davenport, Iowa, for free!
They said yes:
Then, another series of Ferrell/Old Milwaukee ads launched exclusively in Terre Haute, Indiana:
And just when it seemed like the week couldn’t get ANY FUCKIN’ WEIRDER, something called Mega Upload somehow got every major star going right now to do a “song”/(hostage?) video that HAD to have been written by Rebecca Black to top off a landmark week in WTF?ery…
I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON ANYMORE!!!
I TURNED IT UP TO 11 TODAY!
Unfortch, “it” was my depression…
I’m too broke to afford beats by dr. dre headphones this year, so I hope people don’t mind when I give them thumps by ja rule headphones instead…
Friggin’ Romney, man…
Gets Dan Quayle’s endorsement today and tries to claim that he “always” spelled it “Potatoe“…
Flipe-Floppere!
JIMMY FALLON TO RELEASE NEW COMEDY ALBUM
- featuring Jimmy doing his hilarious impression of presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann serenading ?uestlove with a parody “Lyin’ Ass Bitch” - referencing the time he publicly stated “I forgot ‘bitch’ is actually in the title” after controversy* erupted when The Roots played that song as Bachmann’s walk-on music before an appearance on Late Night.
* - in the only, I repeat ONLY time in either Fallon or The Roots career where they did anything even close to being controversial…
HER: (changing radio station) A Justin Bieber Christmas album! Ridiculous!
ME: C’mon now… He’s had a virgin birth, too…
BOSS: I love your camouflage lingerie prototype pieces - they’re awesome! Great job!
DESIGNER: Thank you so much!
BOSS: It’s just - I don’t know - I think the all-camouflage is a bit much. We need to add the teensiest touch of femininity and class.
DESIGNER: Right, right…
BOSS: Plus, if it’s all-camouflage it might be a turn-off to some of the guys - how are they even gonna know it’s for ladies?
DESIGNER: It could confuse them, I guess…
BOSS: Yes… Yes it could. We definitely don’t want them accidentally putting this on themselves then accidentally kinda’ liking it.
DESIGNER: Absolutely. That could be dangerous.
BOSS: What if we added frilly pink lace around the top?
DESIGNER: (long sigh) Frilly pink lace? Whoa. That’s… Jeez… That’s pretty radical. You don’t think that’s too Victoria’s Secret-y?
BOSS: No, I think it’ll work.
DESIGNER: What about neon orange?
BOSS: No. That’s got the same issues, I think.
DESIGNER: Okay, I’ll give the pink a shot - like some sorta Goddamn Paris sissy boy camouflage lingerie designer… I just pray this doesn’t kill my reputation!
INCREDIBLY HOT WOMAN approaches, sheepishly, after the show.
She smiles.
I smile back.
“You were hilarious!” she says, touching my arm.
Gulp.
It’s on.
“Thanks,” I reply, blood rushing from head to head.
“My friend LOVED you, too. We were laughing the whole time! Oh my God…”
“AWESOME!” I say. “Glad you enjoyed…”
“You were just… so obnoxious!”
Uh-oh.
“Thanks?”
Brain furiously scanning definitions of “obnoxious“…
“I mean, she just looked at me right when you were done and was like ‘he’s so freakin’ obnoxious!’ and I was like ‘exactly, so obnoxious!’”
“Oh, yeah, uhhh- Right. Good?” I said, vexed/confused/perplexed by the specificity of their description of my stage presence/act, blood hastily rushing back from head to head.
HER: I can be pretty ingenious some of the time…
ME: Well, I can be pretty ungenious most of the time.
It can get confusing…
so let me translate some Washington D.C. politi-speak into plain old English for ‘ya:
When someone says “I’m such a wonk” that means “I’m an asshole!”
Does the fact that there’s now more analysis of comedy than actual new comedy being created endanger comedy?
- Someone should discuss this on the comedy blog they write for or one of the million podcasts going about comedy!
IMPORTANT LESSON OF COMEDY LEARNED FROM OPENING A FOLK CONCERT:
Never open up a folk concert.
That is all.
Michele, the HPV vaccine doesn’t cause retardation, your fuckin’ insane campaign “platform” causes retardation…
Ron, I’m a pussy and I have chunks of stool that could beat your ass. Yeah, let’s NOT kill the terrorists! Great strategy!
Rick, fuck you. I’ve never seen anybody shoot themselves in the foot while their foot was in their mouth before I saw you “debate”… Impressive!
Herman, what’s the difference between Libya and Lebanon? Watch out, folks - his head’s gonna explode! Go harass a second-rate pizza joint waitress, you imbecile.
Newt, I have so much dirt on you you’re gonna need a fuckin’ bulldozer. Soon you’ll be abandoning this campaign like it’s a wife with a terminal illness.
Jon, I almost forgot about you - like everyone else on the planet. You’re like Dole without the charisma and sense of humor.
Rick, I just googled ‘Santorum’ and THAT would have a better chance of winning the nomination than you. And would be a better President.
I’m Mitt Romney, Goddamnit, and I approve this message.
Okay, The Rap Board is pretty sick - you click on each rapper head and hear their catchphrases… Try it!
I think we need to expand on the concept and get The Candidate Board going next. Click on one Herman Cain head and it says “False allegations!”… another says “9-9-9!”… another says “Troubled woman” and yet another says “Democrat machine.”
Mitt can have one that says “I’m pro-life” and another that says “I’m pro-choice.” He’d have two for every issue!
Ron Paul - “Audit the Fed!” “End these foreign wars!”
Rick Perry can have a series of “Uhm’s” and “Uhhhh’s“…
