I’m often told I bear a very strong resemblance to Jon Hamm
just not in the face or acting ability…
Oh, sure, Louis CK does offensive jokes about his daughters and he’s a “comic genius” but *I* do offensive jokes about Louis CK’s daughters and I’m a “fucking creep.”
Thought about starting a Kickstarter to payoff my debt
then realized I’d somehow lose money on it (hyperlink to everything I’ve written ever)
*Imbalance Misinformation
When I said my $$$ was hiding in the Cayman Islands, I meant in that I can’t account for its whereabouts, not that I had it in some huge tax-sheltered account or something… really, it could be anywhere!
Anywhere but my account, that is!
(Nervous titters)
And did I say Cayman Islands? Oh, I meant, uhm, casino.
I’m certainly used to negative numbers across my universe of credit card debt, but… I can’t say I’ve ever seen my bank balance at negative something before- oh, I’ve seen zero, and XX.XX, and PLEASE CALL 1-800-UR-FUCKED and such - but negative four bucks and change? Not sure how it happened.*
I’m scared.
And somehow having nine cents in my savings (tee-hee) is even more insulting and sad.
Anyway, NO RING ON THIS FINGER, LAY-DEEZ!!!!! I’ll be on this planet ‘til the day you see me post - in lieu of a suicide note - my bank & credit card account usernames/passwords… they tell the story.
(Scary cackles)
* - Damnable Bank Fees!!! Gargh!
If you wanna know what my Hollywood pitch sessions are like, they’re pretty much the same as those AT&T ads…
One of us is rambling on in some insane, silly, inconceivable, horseshit-‘n-bananas parfait impromptu rant.
The other is, well, listening… or should I say patronizing/damning with faint praise-ing/enabling/condescending beneath an icy veneer of faux affability.
WAIT! This is what my family gatherings are like, too!!!
Whoa.
Thanks for asking!
Well, let’s see, this wife-beater is Hanes… the mustard stain is authentic Heinz.
My pants were done by Zubaz - these are vintage…
Digital Time Piece by Casio.
My fragrance is Davidoff - the Cool Water line.
If you haven’t dropped an ‘abooot’ or ‘…eh?’ within five seconds of hanging out with Canadians then you’re not as big a douche as I.
ON THE FLIGHT TO VEGAS: Hmm… An ad on the tray table? I’m so excited about my destination I’ll barely pay this any mind, but… What’s this now? Well, I love Sangria in a pitcher. And I enjoy a Capri Sun every now and then. I wasn’t planning on getting the party kicked off this early, but… I’m on my way to Vegas, so… maybe I’ll try this zany Sangriiia thingy. How bad could it be?
ON THE FLIGHT BACK FROM VEGAS: Good God - Sangriiia Gasolina - just the thought of the smell - that moonshine-y, diesel-y, raw alcohol scent makes me need to see the barf bag NOW, it’s gotta be in this pouch or I’m gonna have to request one, or possibly and more embarrassingly two, in front of everyone and I don’t even care - ugh… The two guys in the face paint on the ad are the devil… I do need to buy something, though. Water! HOLY WATER?!?! Gatorade!!! A blanket to cover up this ad in front of me… and to hide and cry under.
RE: My Stand-Up Vids
Guys!
OMG!
That’s not what I actually said, those bastards obviously gave my stuff the “Bad Lip Reading” treatment somehow!!!
#nofilter
The Kardashian pregnancy
is giving ME morning sickness!
The side effect of Nicorette where you hallucinate a tiny little groove band sold me on picking up a pack - and I was never even a smoker!
BILLY CRYSTAL! BETTE MIDLER! MARISA TOMEI! tom everett scott.
Parental Guidance!
Sez Crystal: “People are excited”
Those same people are also excited to see:
“how this Bill Clinton fella turns out”
“if this e-mail, w-w-w dot Netscape Navigator webnet thingy is gonna last”
“if these new Star Wars movies are gonna be even better than the originals”
“whether the Furby or the Beanie Baby is a better investment opportunity”
“if Mark McGwire & Slammin’ Sammy Sosa get the historical recognition they deserve for heroically saving the integrity of the sport of baseball”
“if Two Pack and Biggy Notorious being dead ends this rap crap craze and makes people turn down their hippity-hop super-loud car speakers already!!!”
“if, now that Communism is dead and Saddam has been contained, there will be peace in our time”
“Marky Mark’s fifteen minutes run out”
“if ‘Heeeeeeey, Marcarena!’ ever gets old”
“whether this Y2K business screws everything all up”
