We all know the google definition of “Santorum” - so I think we should get one started for “Romney”:
Romney 1. The damp mix of sweat and oily moisturizer residue left on your shirt that is sometimes the byproduct of a condescending slap on the back from your boss immediately after he fires you. 2. Governor Mitt Romney.
Q: Is this picture of me with social media master Rob Delaney after the show last night as close as I’m ever gonna get to being big on twitter?
A: ABSOLUTELY!
Romney, when asked for his response to Mike Huckabee’s (forehanded compliment/) comment that “Mitt Romney is the ‘Denny’s’ of the Republican field”, hastily turned to an aide and asked, “What’s a Denny’s?”
After an explanation of what Huck meant, Mitt returned the favor, noting that “Mike Huckabee is the One-Star Guide Michelin rated ‘La Grande Cascade’ distinctive Francaise haute cuisine of the GOP.”
“My bling bling is crunk - fo’ shizzle!” - Shit My Aunt Hasn’t Said…Yet.
TO CLARIFY:
when I said my material hit with the force & precision of Muhammad Ali… I meant present-day Muhammad Ali.
One-hit wonder bands shouldn’t be allowed to release covers of one-hit wonder songs… Yes, I’m looking at you, Sixpence None the Richer’s cover of “Don’t Dream It’s Over”…
Some people think this reunited Van Halen is too old to put on the same epic show they used to, but I’ve read a little about their tour rehearsal and I think their sets are still gonna ROCK!
Here’s some of the highlights of their new show:
- “Jump” has been rearranged into the safer, more age-appropriate “Hop” (“Might as well hop. HOP! Go ahead, hop”)
- Eddie Van Halen has really cut down on his drinking - he’s down to three 12-packs a day!
- Tour Rider stipulates any brown cholesterol, Propecia or Cialis pills to be removed from dressing room.
- “Right Now” has been rearranged into “Back Then” (“C’mon, please be ‘83! BACK THEN! Hey!”)
- Eddie’s not so sensitive and quick to anger over the whole Gary Cherone-as-lead-singer thing because he doesn’t remember who Gary Cherone is or that he was ever lead singer.
- “Hot for Teacher” has been rearranged into “Hot for Night Nurse”
HER: Do you have New Year’s Eve plans?
ME: I don’t have New Year’s Year plans!
WAIT!
Now my internal monologue is getting BOOed!
I’m sad to see Christmas go this year…
ONLY because my SANTADUSKY bit was getting the biggest reaction to any joke I’ve ever done…
#thereasonfortheseason #mallsantasaredisturbingandverycreepywhenyouthinkaboutit
The Tyrant does not exist in a vacuum.
He depends on an extremely warped public ideology to thrive and hold power.
The people - the poor citizens - are truly certain they are the “chosen people.” Without this deeply flawed belief in their own supremacy they could not exist. That’s why they repeat the mantra so frequently - to keep the blinders to their own despair firmly in place. Because it’s obvious no one could handle such living conditions without the brainwashing. They must see themselves and their struggle as the purest of all.
The Tyrant plays on liberal attitudes and moral deprivation to hold on to power at all costs, curtailing freedom and liberty every step of the way. The people - despite the fact that it’s a rigged game, despite the fact that the leaders and the elites educate, then nepotize their young into power at the select few institutions - play along.
They know no other way.
It’s heartbreaking.
But enough about New Yorkers…
Staying True To Myself
hasn’t worked!!!
Gonna try Staying False To Somebody Else now…
I’m just a little confused…
I found this escort on craigslist who said she was the best deal in town - 100 Roses for an hour!
100 Roses - that’ll cost like $500 bucks! And HOW AM I EVEN GONNA CARRY ALL THOSE INTO THE HOTEL?!?!
I’m a HUGE Star Wars fan…
From the uproarious humor of Jar-Jar Binks to master thespian Hayden Christensens stunning portrayal of Anakin Skywalker’s heartbreaking downfall - it doesn’t get much better than that…
Classic.
I HATE the old ones, though.
Han Solo?
Barf.
Darth Vader?
Horrible!
Why do they even release those - who wants to buy ’em???
The New York Post revealed today that Yankee legend Derek Jeter is “bedding a bevy of beauties in his Trump World Tower bachelor pad - and then coldly sending them home alone with gift baskets” that they receive in the car service arranged for their Ride of Shame the next morning.
In a World Exclusive, I’ve obtained the letter Jeter’s ladies receive in the basket:
Dear (Your Name{s} Here),
Wow! What a night! Amazing! That was the hottest, best sex you’ve ever had!
I was incredible.
ANOTHER HOME RUN JETER!!!
I know, I know - I look even better naked than I do in that snug uniform, perfectly toned ass you could bounce a quarter off of, rippling muscles practically stretching the pinstripes… You didn’t say it because you didn’t have to - I could see it by the amazed look on your acceptably symmetrical face(s).
I will never forget last night - the love I made, the laughs I gave you, the bottle of Apple Pucker I kindly didn’t ask you to reimburse me for…
You’ve never been romanced like you were last night. What other lover can play you the legendary Bob Sheppard announcing “Now batting for the Yankees, number two, Derek Jeter, number two” as the crowd roars and the Star Wars music plays over the Bose system right before you get taken to a new level of ecstasy as my career highlight reel plays on repeat on a 63” flat panel plasma with the lights of the Manhattan skyline twinkling in the background?
I gave you your own sexual highlight reel you’ll be replaying in your mind for a lifetime.
You’re welcome!
But your appreciation won’t end there, baby. In this gift basket I’ve included a variety of memorabilia signed by the laser printer specifically approved by me and the good folks at the Steiner Collectibles Corporation. These keepsakes are priceless. Like that head I so graciously allowed you to give me.
Enjoy them! Because when the urge strikes to see me you can just look at the glossy photo enclosed in the gift basket. DO NOT come back to the Trump World Tower - security WILL escort you off the premises.
Oh, and at the bottom of the basket is a little container that looks like a baseball with a “Plan B” pill in it. Be a sweetheart and swallow that down with a swig of that complimentary Aquafina in the mini-bottle also enclosed in the basket.
You’ve probably worked up a hunger from that intense, Major League workout I gave you last night, so the driver will happily drop you off at the nearest Denny’s instead of your apartment if you tell him.
Again, I’ll treasure last night forever. And who knows, maybe you’ll get “called up” to the Big Leagues again in the future!
But I WILL CALL if there’s a need for a “double header” - don’t call me (last night I told you to call me ‘O Captain! My Captain!’ - but that was a one-time thing I like to hear from that Robin Williams movie, not saying you’re allowed to call me on the phone at the Trump World Tower. Ever.) Seriously.
Regards,
D. Jeets
One of People Magazine’s “Most Beautiful Athletes”
