Much like a popular band,

I get requests from crowds all the time during my stand-up sets to hear a specific joke or a favorite bit…

Weird thing is, I’ve never done any material on “Getting off the stage!” or “Quitting comedy!” or “Killing myself!” 

There’s a neat series of photos at Vanity Fair that gives famed character actors three separate dramatic situations and captures their essence…check it out!
A Sample, Above:
Laurence Fishburne
Left: Your daughter’s gonna do a sex tape to get big.  Center: Actually, she’s not really into doing a sex tape, it’s more she wants to be a straight up porn star. Right: You tried to buy up all the tapes, but couldn’t. 

There’s a neat series of photos at Vanity Fair that gives famed character actors three separate dramatic situations and captures their essence…check it out!

A Sample, Above:

Laurence Fishburne

Left: Your daughter’s gonna do a sex tape to get big.  Center: Actually, she’s not really into doing a sex tape, it’s more she wants to be a straight up porn star. Right: You tried to buy up all the tapes, but couldn’t. 

I’d start a sarcastic e-mail with:

It’s going to be difficult to write this e-mail with so much egg on my face and crow in my mouth, but I shall try…

I’d end a sarcastic e-mail with:

So, kindly, turn up whatever romantic music you prefer on your iTunes - I’d suggest some Minnie Riperton, anything off Perfect Angeland go fuck yourself. 

CRACK COCAINE PENALTY INEQUITY FINALLY REDUCED

YES!!! 

(rubbing chin)

I think I’m gonna start selling some crack! 

“Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J, for the hour…”
- things Charlie Rose has never said / will never say 

“Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J, for the hour…”

- things Charlie Rose has never said / will never say 

An App I could sure USE:
The Magnum App - something on your phone that can locate the nearest bodega/pharmacy that sells Magnums and how many boxes are available for purchase at said location…  
I could use this daily…
There’s nothing more frustrating than a time-consuming, fruitless search… I don’t think we can call them “smart” phones until they know this information!!!! 

An App I could sure USE:

The Magnum App - something on your phone that can locate the nearest bodega/pharmacy that sells Magnums and how many boxes are available for purchase at said location…  

I could use this daily

There’s nothing more frustrating than a time-consuming, fruitless search… I don’t think we can call them “smart” phones until they know this information!!!! 

This looks like one of Hollywood’s funniest comedies in years!!! 

This looks like one of Hollywood’s funniest comedies in years!!! 

Russell Simmons looking older by the day…

Russell Simmons looking older by the day

I was a guest on Jay McKenna’s most recent “The Brink of Sanity” comedy podcast… Check it out: Here… on iTunes here…
Chime in on the forums here!

I was a guest on Jay McKenna’s most recent “The Brink of Sanity” comedy podcast… Check it out: Here… on iTunes here

Chime in on the forums here!

HIM: …so bring your Seersucker!

ME: I’ll bring my Sears, sucker… 

Well, here’s my B.Y.O.L.* stand-up from Carolines: Modern Pain Reducing Techniques

* - Bring Your Own Laughter 

DEATH

does not come in threes…

It comes in infinities.

Foreign policy, as imagined by Nancy Meyers…

Foreign policy, as imagined by Nancy Meyers

Before going on-stage the other night, someone said “Break a Leg” to me…

And I thought that seemed really dated

We need something fresher to do the old ‘wishing bad luck means good luck’ sentiment…

My friend brilliantly suggested: “Hope ‘ya get AIDS, ‘ya fuck!“ 

Super-appropriate for a porn set right before a scene, but I think we can, through constant use, take it even farther and use it in all scenarios to replace “Break a Leg”… 

Somewhere in Hollywood…

MAN 1: So, we gotta talk casting on-

MAN 2: Oh shit… Uhm, I gotta run out of here in a sec - big squash game this afternoon! And I’m out and unreachable tomorrow through winter. 

MAN 1: Okay, well-

MAN 2: Let’s just nip it in the bud right now. This is that comedy thing?

MAN 1: Yes.

Man 1 hands a script to Man 2, who absentmindedly opens to a page, which he doesn’t even look at, then closes the script and places it on his desk.

MAN 2: Right, right… We need a good looking buddy co-lead on this?

MAN 1: Yep.

MAN 2: GOT IT!

MAN 1: Yes?

MAN 2: Paul Rudd!

MAN 1: Love it! Done!

MAN 2: What else we need? Foreign guy? White? Russell Brand! 

MAN 1: Actually, no… We need the creepy weirdo.

MAN 2: Well… Zach Galiwhat’shisnameis from “The Hangover.” He’ll keep the beard, his wardrobe will be ridiculous

MAN 1: BINGO! Brilliant, sir. Some of your best work…

Man 2 hurriedly heads toward the door.

MAN 2: And whatever the third thing is, I don’t even care, just put Aziz Ansari in it - got it?

MAN 1: Yes, sir! I love the look of this!

MAN 2: It just feels right.

Man 2 exits. Then pops his head back in.

MAN 2: Ooh, make sure you put some K’naan on the soundtrack! Lovin’ his style at the moment and the boys upstairs said K’naan’s a big priority right now…

MAN 1: Done!