Much like a popular band,
I get requests from crowds all the time during my stand-up sets to hear a specific joke or a favorite bit…
Weird thing is, I’ve never done any material on “Getting off the stage!” or “Quitting comedy!” or “Killing myself!”
There’s a neat series of photos at Vanity Fair that gives famed character actors three separate dramatic situations and captures their essence…check it out!
A Sample, Above:
Laurence Fishburne
Left: Your daughter’s gonna do a sex tape to get big. Center: Actually, she’s not really into doing a sex tape, it’s more she wants to be a straight up porn star. Right: You tried to buy up all the tapes, but couldn’t.
I’d start a sarcastic e-mail with:
It’s going to be difficult to write this e-mail with so much egg on my face and crow in my mouth, but I shall try…
I’d end a sarcastic e-mail with:
So, kindly, turn up whatever romantic music you prefer on your iTunes - I’d suggest some Minnie Riperton, anything off Perfect Angel… and go fuck yourself.
CRACK COCAINE PENALTY INEQUITY FINALLY REDUCED
YES!!!
(rubbing chin)
I think I’m gonna start selling some crack!
“Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J, for the hour…”
- things Charlie Rose has never said / will never say
An App I could sure USE:
The Magnum App - something on your phone that can locate the nearest bodega/pharmacy that sells Magnums and how many boxes are available for purchase at said location…
I could use this daily…
There’s nothing more frustrating than a time-consuming, fruitless search… I don’t think we can call them “smart” phones until they know this information!!!!
This looks like one of Hollywood’s funniest comedies in years!!!
Russell Simmons looking older by the day…
I was a guest on Jay McKenna’s most recent “The Brink of Sanity” comedy podcast… Check it out: Here… on iTunes here…
Chime in on the forums here!
HIM: …so bring your Seersucker!
ME: I’ll bring my Sears, sucker…
Well, here’s my B.Y.O.L.* stand-up from Carolines: Modern Pain Reducing Techniques
* - Bring Your Own Laughter
DEATH
does not come in threes…
It comes in infinities.
Before going on-stage the other night, someone said “Break a Leg” to me…
And I thought that seemed really dated…
We need something fresher to do the old ‘wishing bad luck means good luck’ sentiment…
My friend brilliantly suggested: “Hope ‘ya get AIDS, ‘ya fuck!“
Super-appropriate for a porn set right before a scene, but I think we can, through constant use, take it even farther and use it in all scenarios to replace “Break a Leg”…
Somewhere in Hollywood…
MAN 1: So, we gotta talk casting on-
MAN 2: Oh shit… Uhm, I gotta run out of here in a sec - big squash game this afternoon! And I’m out and unreachable tomorrow through winter.
MAN 1: Okay, well-
MAN 2: Let’s just nip it in the bud right now. This is that comedy thing?
MAN 1: Yes.
Man 1 hands a script to Man 2, who absentmindedly opens to a page, which he doesn’t even look at, then closes the script and places it on his desk.
MAN 2: Right, right… We need a good looking buddy co-lead on this?
MAN 1: Yep.
MAN 2: GOT IT!
MAN 1: Yes?
MAN 2: Paul Rudd!
MAN 1: Love it! Done!
MAN 2: What else we need? Foreign guy? White? Russell Brand!
MAN 1: Actually, no… We need the creepy weirdo.
MAN 2: Well… Zach Galiwhat’shisnameis from “The Hangover.” He’ll keep the beard, his wardrobe will be ridiculous.
MAN 1: BINGO! Brilliant, sir. Some of your best work…
Man 2 hurriedly heads toward the door.
MAN 2: And whatever the third thing is, I don’t even care, just put Aziz Ansari in it - got it?
MAN 1: Yes, sir! I love the look of this!
MAN 2: It just feels right.
Man 2 exits. Then pops his head back in.
MAN 2: Ooh, make sure you put some K’naan on the soundtrack! Lovin’ his style at the moment and the boys upstairs said K’naan’s a big priority right now…
MAN 1: Done!
