tony bock

award-wanting writer * comic * actor * producer

porn foley artist  +  live @ gotham  +  bombing w/footnotes! +  x-bock +  pinkman impression +  p.s.a.  +  true blood hero  +  explosivo live show  +  tmz animals +  stand-up @ carolines = over one million views, son

missed connections

m4w - R Train - 3:00 Saturday afternoon

I know you saw me…you were sitting right across from me and we were the only people on that side of the train.

You were in a stunning violet dress, reading Vogue with your Louis Vuitton bag in your lap.

I was in my Hooters t-shirt with the nacho cheese stain on the front, reading Maxim with my Payless ShoeSource bag in my lap.

The vibe was frickin’ off the charts in there! Crazy! Wow…

We talked, too. I’ll always treasure those words we had. I said, “Hey, my name’s Tony…” and you said “(unintelligible)” and then looked away all shy in that cute way you do…

Your walk was so sexy…so sexy and so brisk! I didn’t hear your answer after I said “What’s your name?” - the wind took it…along with my heart. You were obviously in a hurry - I hope you weren’t late to work!

Socratic exchange between Sober Me and Drunken Me on the subject of peanut eating:

Sober Me: Nice bag of peanuts you got there…

Drunken Me: Sure is! Nice BIG bag! Mmmm!!!!

Sober Me: And I assume you’ve got a plan on how to handle those shells?

Drunken Me: Define “plan”.

Sober Me: A proposed course of action.

Drunken Me:I have a big bag of nuts!

Sober Me: And you’re just gonna toss the shells on the floor?

Drunken Me: Whatever, dude! Hold on a second-

Drunken Me eats a handful of peanuts, tossing the shells on the floor.

Sober Me: Damn you!

Drunken Me: Turn that stereo up! Mmmm! PEANUTS GOOD!!!!

Sober Me: But then I have to clean up all the shells!

Drunken Me: I don’t give a damn about you!

Sober Me: But all you have to do is toss the fucking shells in the trash! It couldn’t be easier, yet there you sit just tossing the shells ON THE FLOOR!!!!!

Drunken Me: (Snortles)

Sober Me: I had to ban sunflower seeds, it may be time to do the same with peanuts.

Drunken Me: You’re gonna LOVE my nuts! Oh, that’s funny!

Sober Me: And do you have to walk around dropping them all over the place? Jeez - it wouldn’t even be so bad if they were dropped in one place on the floor but you-

Drunken Me: (Laughing hysterically)

Sober Me: Dude- Dude! Wake up!

Drunken Me: (Snoring)

You Might Be a Redneck If…

- you’re painting, and in the course of a project red paint was spilled on your neck

- you’ve been bit on the neck by a spider or insect of some sort, causing a rash or skin abnormality

- your neck, as opposed to the rest of your body, adheres to a communist ideology 

- you are artist Red Grooms

- you are a cardinal

- in the course of being amorous, you’ve received multiple overlapping hickeys during “necking”

- you’ve neglected to cover your neck and received an overexposure of ultraviolet radiation rays

- for any reason whatsoever, light with spectral coordinates somewhere between 620 and 740nm & a frequency between 480 and 400THz hits you anywhere between the anterior belly of your Digastricus and your Supraclavicular fossa