July 2009
23 posts
EXT. WHITE HOUSE PICNIC BENCH - EVENING
PRESIDENT OBAMA, PROFESSOR GATES and LIEUTENANT CROWLEY are seated when an USHER brings a Bud Light, Blue Moon and Red Stripe to them on a platter. They take their beers.
Obama takes a drink first. Gates takes a sip from his beer. Crowley takes a drink.
Long, very uncomfortable SILENCE.
Gates begins absentmindedly TAP-TAP-TAPPING on the table.
Obama...
Ahh... I get it now!
He’s called “The Half-Blood Prince” because of his shockingly high blood alcohol content!
RESUME UPDATE
Just listed myself as “Producer” on every Public Television program ever made… I was more involved on the funding side, but still…
Good Band Name:
Morgan Freeman & The Step-Granddaughters
I WAS BANNED FROM COMEDY CENTRAL!*
* I’m not sure “banned” is the right word, but it sounds so much better than “rejected by” and means essentially the same thing.
"It's almost like kicking a dead horse"
said Terrell Owens about the NFL potentially suspending Michael Vick an additional few games because of the whole dogfighting thing…
“Kicking…Dead…Horse…” said Michael Vick, when asked about the comments at a press conference. “Hmmmmmmm…”
ROUGH DRAFT ***For Family Only***
Dear Beloved Family,
I wanted to write this to you directly, so as to lessen any confusion about “what really happened” and all…
I am moving to Montana. To a town as yet undetermined as I’m planning to fly from New York into Helena with my possessions (a 2004 Dell tower, monitor, seven books, one pair of “dress” shoes, clothes) and just kind of go from...
ATTN: PR, Marketing, & Promotional People
I know, I know, I know…
You want to get ___(your brand here)___ mentioned positively on this website!
I understand.
You should know: One of my deeply adhered to principles is not accepting payola…
And I stick to my principles!
Now, sexola on the other hand…
bock.tony@gmail.com
My Official Title?
How about JOTUS?
Joke of the United States
"He's not dumb, he's just from the Midwest..."
Overheard: Park Slope, Brooklyn
When I get that look from people out here from now on, I’m just gonna explain: “I’m not dumb! I’m from the Midwest! OKAY!”
Hmm...
Can’t decide if MY DEBT should go under Accomplishments on my resume or not…
It IS magnificent…
Terrible visions of the future
to my memorial service…
Cardboard casket at the foot of The Funny Bone stage in Omaha.
Two-drink minimum.
Bunch of hacks doing my material to silence one final time.
People wondering if those kids are really mine and what the deal is with them.
A Congresswoman proclaiming me innocent until proven guilty under the Constitution.
Talk of my Guinness Book of World Records record for the...
I'm starting to see a trend here...
Prefacing my fuckup’s with “Think of this as a teaching moment” does not work on a) girls or b) bosses…
