January 2009
48 posts
The Williamsburg bar I was at last night was so...
You had to be in a band to get service at the bar.
Jan 31st
You know you're reaching a new low when...
The thought “Why don’t I just take a flask to the bar instead of buying all those expensive $2.00 PBR’s?” seriously crosses your mind… And you begin washing out your flask, unused since college…
Jan 31st
TGIMFF!
Jan 30th
SUCKONOMIX
The Hidden Side of Being Poor Let’s start with some definitions: TARP: The Troubled Assets Relief Program is a program of the U.S. government to purchase assets and equity from financial institutions in order to strengthen the financial sector. TARP: The Tony Assets Relief Program is a program of U.S. citizen Tony Bock to steal assets from financial institutions in order to strengthen his...
Jan 29th
Coordinates:
North Shit Creek
Jan 28th
Missing:
Paddle
Jan 28th
You know you're reaching a new low when...
The three Coors Light tall boys at the bodega come to $4.25. You have five one’s and a twenty. You try and use the twenty - hoping he asks if you have something smaller. He asks! You say all you have is four one’s. He takes it and says not to worry about the quarter. You strut out having saved 25 cents, feeling like you’ve just pulled off a scheme of Madoffian proportions…
Jan 27th
Good Band Name:
Basically Verbatim
Jan 27th
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Jan 25th
With Scottish Food
There’s always this disclaimer: “You don’t even want to know!” Always.
Jan 25th
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Jan 21st
Public Service Announcement
Just a quick note of warning to either tourists visiting New York City or people who’ve just moved out here: If you’re about to get on a subway car and you see that half the car is packed - barely room to stand, all seats taken…  and there’s no one at the other half - don’t be happy and take one of the empty seats, cram into the full half quick - you’re about...
Jan 21st
Good Dirty Joke Punchline:
$5 Dollar Footlong
Jan 19th
Pen Names
My management team thinks my writing gigs will pick up if I use a pen name. Tony Bock sounds kind of…last administration, if you will. In these new and exciting times it’s important to try and expand your “brand” to be more inclusive-sounding and a striking name can draw eyeballs in this tough environment. So here’s some possibilities we’ve been kicking...
Jan 16th
My Plans For The Day
11 - 3: Fiddle around 3 - 6: Rest on my laurels 6 - 9: Twiddle my thumbs 9 - 11: Lollygag 11 - 1: Dabble in some putterin’
Jan 15th
The Tony Bock Drinking Game
Anytime you hear me use the phrase “tightening the debt noose”… do a shot. Anytime you hear me cry… do a shot. Anytime I ask to borrow money from you… do a shot. Anytime I deny having ever borrowed money from you… do a shot. Anytime you see me pickpocket… do a shot. Anytime I act like I’m not crying and that it’s just something in my...
Jan 14th
AMY WINEHOUSE GETTING DIVORCED She’s asked for joint custody.
Jan 14th
Inappropriate Product Placement:
At Church, during the sermon: “Folks, let’s get to know Jesus’ Fave Five for a second…”
Jan 13th
Jan 13th
R. KELLY & WIFE FINALIZE DIVORCE I have to step up to the plate and ask the former Mrs. Kelly - Andrea, her name is - if she’s dating again, and if so, if she’d give me a chance… She just seems like such an understanding, supportive woman. I feel like I’m the right guy for her. I’m all about unconditional love, Andrea! I’d vow to support you through...
Jan 12th
Bad Museum Idea:
The Museum of Emo
Jan 8th
Jan 7th
Tony Bock 2009 Tour Rider
My management team thinks my stand-up bookings will pick up if I simplify my contract rider… So I’ve hesitantly gone through and refined my backstage demands - I was reluctant at first because if my space backstage isn’t set up just so then my five minutes of stand-up suffers, which hurts everybody… but I know economic times are a little tougher now, so here’s the new...
Jan 7th
Jan 6th
“New Bilingual Variety Show is looking for a comedic writer who understands U.S....”
– Finally a chance for my “Ask A Gringo” bit to see life!
Jan 5th
Ted*
is very, very angry with me… He’s trying to kill me! *- Ted is my hangover ** **- Have you ever had a hangover so bad it has a name? Not good, folks…*** ***- And, yes, I’m writing this at 6:08 PM on a Monday.
Jan 5th
Jan 4th
Baby, what does he have that I don't?
A close review of the situation reveals it could only be one thing… MONEY!!! But that can’t be what it is, ‘cause you told me- Hey, come back here! I wasn’t- So that’s what it was - money! …right?
Jan 3rd