July 2008
33 posts
‘SNL’ Alum Kattan Weds Model
Yeah - the headline seems like a prime joke target…
But the thoughts I’m having about that disturbing story are much, much darker and more confusing.
A Warning From the Federal Government
With another case reported today, the Federal Government has reported a full-fledged outbreak of Chaconitis in Houston, Texas. Employees of baseball clubs in the Houston area are advised to wear protective gear at all times and avoid ‘roid-fuelled players at all costs.
June 2008
34 posts
SUCKONOMIX
The Hidden Side of Being Poor
Had trouble finding enough cash flow in your budget for food?
While hanging out with some friends in Brooklyn this weekend I came across a couple of fresh, creative and exciting thoughts on keeping oneself from hunger when you can’t afford to eat.
I call this The “Free” Grapefruit Theorem.
It basically goes like this…Say you’re at...
Has anybody seen my dignity?
I can’t find it anywhere.
It’s been missing a few years now…
Send an e-mail if you have any info!
“Emily Sidney Nordling,” her Facebook.com entry now reads.
With her decision, she joined a growing band of supporters of Senator John McCain, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, who are expressing solidarity with him by informally adopting his middle name.
The result is a group of unlikely-sounding Sidney’s: Jewish and Catholic, Hispanic and Asian and Italian-American, from...
“And given the beating CBS has taken for its poor stock performance, observers found it ironic that CBS’ top spokesman was promoting a book about slacking off on the job.
‘It does seem odd that they would allow an executive to promote a book preaching laziness,’ said Columbia Journalism Review Executive Director Mike Hoyt.”
For those of us who have worked at CBS...
JOHN MCCAIN DOESN’T WORK WEEKENDS What does he do? I’ve obtained his weekend schedule:
5:00 AM: Wake up.
5:03 AM: Put on dentures.
5:05 AM: Take fiber pills, heart pills, vitamin pills, bone pills, eye pills, Cialis pills.
5:10 AM: Sponge bath.
5:30 AM: Early Bird Special Grand Slam breakfast at Denny’s.
6:30 AM: Nap.
7:30 AM: Put on dentures.
7:45 AM: Canasta game.
...
For the first time a new celebrity sex tape release has women around the world buzzing with anticipation.
“When I heard Verne Troyer was putting out a sex tape I downright got turned on,” said Pam Gregory of Birmingham, Alabama. “How could you not?”
“It kind of makes up for the whole Hillary thing - that’s how big this is for women,” said Donna West of...
How DO they do it?
It’s difficult and challenging for us little people to understand how the big-time New York/LA power brokers do it. Whether it’s the titans of the hedge fund world, leaders of big Fortune 500 Companies, the top agents at the powerful William Morris Agency, marquee name movie stars or your elected city or state leaders - the answer is the same…and it’s a little bit too...
My cousin Timmy just graduated high school - he’s a big fan of the site and my Uncle Luke asked if I’d post something just for him, so the following is for his eyes only… The rest of you - you don’t have to get off the internet, but ‘ya can’t stay here. Am-scray. Run along now....
ATTN: MASSHOLES
NO, I DIDN’T CATCH THAT GAME LAST NIGHT - I WAS BUSY WATCHING MY GIANTS SUPER BOWL DVD, OKAY?
I saw a woman on the subway tonight
Who had her dog on her lap and was drinking pink lemonade from a bottle. She then stopped drinking it and connected it to her dog’s penis. The dog took a leak, she put the cap on and that was that.
My question: How did she know he had to go?
Frequently Asked Questions
Does anybody read this crap?
Amazingly, everybody reads this crap.
Your photographs for the Toronto Star are wonderful - why is your “comedy” writing so lame?
Different Tony Bock - sorry.
Will you please stop whistling?
Let me try.
Okay…
No…
Sorry…it’s just, I can’t get “Superstition” out of my head…
Can you do a...
Wait
McCain has $250,000 in personal credit card debt?!?!
Isn’t his wife rich?
Isn’t he the one constantly speaking of the need for the government to cut spending and get it’s financial house in order?
It may be a bit “counter-message” but I think this information could swing the young vote McCain’s way.
He should come to the people of America and explain...
sexpedia.com
Would be a good site to arrange sex tourism trips.
That’s all I’m saying.
Bad Pick-Up Line:
Is your Avatar as beautiful as you are?
Dyan Cannon
Only famous for her Lakers seats at this point.
16,500 Condoms
For 125 scientists stationed in Antarctica for the winter.
I can’t do the math properly, but…damn - that seems like a lot. (And doesn’t that seem like a comedy movie gimmick - I see it starring Ashton Kutcher)
Imagine the disappointment for the guy stationed at that base who hears about this who didn’t get laid once his entire term.
At least the (swinging) scientists...
So Obama and Scarlett Johansson correspond frequently by e-mail, to her surprise, despite his very busy and hectic schedule these days…
So what?
But, seriously - is Kal Penn (Kumar, of Harold & Kumar) getting his e-mails returned so quickly?
*- I’m sure he’s just interested in her thoughts on the environment and youth vote and such.
Why is it...
…that my two cents is never worth even two cents?
I'm Bipolar
Never knowing whether I’ll be Depressed…or Very Depressed on any given day.
Moral Relativism Shmoral Shmelativism
I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had an afternoon date scheduled with whichever partner I happen to be with at the time to take my young son, Tony Jr. on a walk through the neighborhood.
It would always get frustrating when we couldn’t find a sex shop here in Park Slope that was meant for child and parent alike.
Well those days are gone thanks to Babeland - the new...
Good Morning DJ Name:
Freak N. Joke
DEATH!
Should be the penalty for those clipping their nails on the Subway.
A quick note, then, on My Humility
My Humility is legendary, profound and magnificent.
My Humility is similar to the creation of the universe in that it’s too big to be explained by science.
My Humility is grandiose and brave.
My Humility deserves thanks, attention and praise.
My Humility should serve as an inspiration to every nation on Earth.
My Humility is superior to your humility.
My Humility can walk on water.
I overheard parts of the conversation between my middle-aged male and young-20’s female co-workers, but I wasn’t actively listening.
There were a couple of awkward pauses and long silences, I noticed.
As it continued, something in my subconscious clicked and I looked at their confused faces.
“Hey,” I said, “See, the thing is you are talking about Emo Philips,...
I saw a woman on the subway today
Let’s call her…Jada.
She had “Jada” tattooed in a specific script all across her arms and neck and she was wearing a t-shirt, which matched her skin tone, that had matching “Jada” in the same size and color of the tattoos all over the shirt that at points carried over exactly from shirt to skin…
It’s like…does she wear that every day?
I...
ESPN: Adult
A great new network would be ESPN: Adult. It wouldn’t be pornographic, but it would have all of the regular sports ESPN covers just with “locker room talk” and frequent swearing from the (drunk) announcers, as well as longer, previously inappropriate shots of the cheerleaders and hot babes in the stands and uncensored on-field game sounds. The (XX)X-Games would be ten times more...
