December 2008
34 posts
Good Title For My Autobiography:
If Regrets Were Dollars I’d Be A Billionaire By Now
Overheard at Christmas:
“Now be sure and use those giftcards as fast as you can, because all those stores may not be in business for much longer…”
Great advice, Grandma… And that’s Christmas in America, 2008!
MAN ARRESTED AFTER FLASHING GANG SIGNS ON SANTA’S LAP
I’ve always thought Santa was one of the most prominent Gangbangers in the world… Think about it: He only wears red (Blood!), he has his posse of elves, he busts into people’s places and steals (milk and cookies), he’s always at the mall, ”Ho, ho, ho!” is all he ever says (Hello! It doesn’t get...
Daily Routine
There’s a great website about writers routines that I’ve been reading lately… So I thought I’d take a minute and write about my own routine - for the historical record…
TONY BOCK
Wake up around 10-whenever… Throw the rags into my shopping cart… Drink what’s left of the Brandy… Head into the NY Public Library… Sink shower… Leave...
The Bernie Madoff Show
GFX: THE BERNIE MADOFF SHOW
INT. THE BERNIE MADOFF SHOW STUDIO - STAGE - ANIMATED
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
From New York City…it’s…The Bernie Madoff Show! Tonight on the show… Harrison Ford!… Julia Roberts!… and musical guest… Paul McCartney & Ringo Starr!!! And now… heeeeeeere’s Bernie!
The STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDS like crazy as BERNIE MADOFF...
KARAOKE: a form of entertainment where the goal is to “sing” other people’s songs as badly as possible
KANYEOKE: a form of entertainment where the goal is to “sing” your own songs as badly as possible
Nepotism: The Movie
A Sofia Coppola Picture
Starring…
George Clooney…as “Jim”
Angelina Jolie…as “Suzie”
Ben Stiller…as “Donnie”
Gwyneth Paltrow…as “Bess”
Michael Douglas…as “Nelson”
Jeff Bridges…as “Sam”
Ashlee Simpson…as “Jessica”
Sean Penn…as “Dirk”
Tori...
“‘they’re bringing the horrific message about what’s happening in New York back to their hometowns,’ which isn’t helping anyone’s mindset”
Good point. Which reminds me…
WARNING FOR RESIDENTS OF OMAHA, NEBRASKA:
I will be home for Christmas soon, and don’t expect to hear anything positive about what’s going on out here in New York...
This weather's got me in a drinkin' mood!
Could be the alcoholism, too, I suppose…
Whatever… it’s Tequila O’Clock!
I wish you guys could see my Frank Caliendo...
It’s awesome!
The weight of all this bullshit
is starting to hurt my back.
Good Band Name:
200-pound Oprah
Tony the Crier
thinks the average Huffington Post reader was pretty sick and tired of Joe the Plumber just a few days ago…
Today, the second most popular thing on Huffington Post is… Joe the Plumber: “McCain Appalled Me,” Made Me Feel “Dirty”
Bravo, Mr. The Plumber! This guy’s fuckin’ good… Turn on McCain (but support Palin!) on the media tour - brilliant!
...
What you should get me for Christmas
I want a Fathead… but a custom one… of me… in an “action typing” pose… that I’d put up over the computer…
Someone get on that!
ATTENTION: SPRINT
I’ll pay ‘ya when I’m damn well good and ready, okay?
So quit bothering me about it!
You’re wasting your time and my time!
STOP HOLLERIN’ ABOUT IT ALREADY! I KNOW!
And don’t text me anymore either! You think you’re bein’ all sneaky…
Oh, what’s that? You’re gonna shut my phone off? Ha! No one calls anyway, see how much faster...
Senator David Vitter of Louisiana says the auto bailout bill will be filibustered… He called it “Ass-Backwards” on the Senate floor, because under the current bill the automakers get the money first, then they can say what they’re going to do for it.
“Before any money changes hands, I have to know exactly what we’re getting,” said Vitter. “It needs...
Wow, this has been the longest week in history...
Thank God it’s Friday!!!
Wait?
WHAT?!?!
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo……..
“Customers can have sex free of charge at Big Sister, in return for signing a release form allowing the brothel to film their sexual exploits.”
Oh, really…
I SMELL REALITY SHOW!
WatchSo I was just settling in to watch me some “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” - with it’s jokes, skits, topical comedy…and advertising helpfully aimed at “my” “demographic” when the damndest thing happened. I went to NBC.com, as I do each night before stumbling in to bed (only to see if there was anymore “Knight Rider” clips or news) when it said “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” was about to come...
On this week’s Too Jaded Failures…
…tmi?…a-rod & madonna…burlesque names…tony’s new year’s resolution…
Everything you ever wanted to know and much, much, much more… You’ve been warned: Fail at your own risk.
“In fact, said his co-author, James Fowler, an associate professor of political science at University of California, San Diego, their research found that ‘if your friend’s friend’s friend becomes happy, that has a bigger impact on you being happy than putting an extra $5,000 in your pocket.’”
Hold on a sec there Fowler… If that were true then I...
Unhappy Hour
If you don’t have plans tonight between 5-6 stop on over to my place for Unhappy Hour…
There’s drink specials - You get as many swigs out of my bottle of Old Crow as you can stand…for only $20.00…
There’s entertainment - I do some selections from my 2006 interpretive dance revue “Meadowlark” after I’ve had a few swigs of Old Crow…
...
I couldn’t pinpoint what it was about “Melissa Beech’s” piece “My Sugar Daddy” that bothered me so much…
Was it something about the similarity in our backgrounds - the traditional Irish Catholic upbringing, an interest in writing, journalism school?
No, I don’t think so…
Was it her too-casual aversion to working a “legitimate”...
Good James Brolin Rap Album Title:
Brolin Up Tha Joint
Good Josh Brolin Rap Album Title:
Picture Me Brolin
Hmm…
I’ve gotta be honest - I didn’t write the previous post.
What happened was I read this column about how a news website operator in Pasadena has outsourced all the news about Pasadena to writers in India.
They’re getting paid practically nothing!
So I thought I’d get in early and outsource this site…
The experience was trying. First assignment was to do...
Regarding
the best “Reason for the Season” was related to me having a tattoo of mistletoe on my abdomen!