February 2012
6 posts
TONY enters the Chinese restaurant and approaches the LADY behind the counter. He peruses the menu a moment.
TONY
Hmm… Pfffffffttttttttt….
(beat)
I’ll have, uhm… the Shrimp in Green Dragon Sauce.
LADY
(smiling)
Good, good…
She raises an eyebrow and shoots Tony a furtive glance.
TONY
Is it really spicy?
LADY
No, no…
(giggling)
It’s not...
Which estate do you think the “free credit report dot com” people bought that ‘himalayas - true playas’ verse from - Tupac’s…or Biggie’s?
Or’d Shawn Carter ghostwrite that???
HAD to have been sacred when that shit got dropped in the studio.
Next time she’s trying to watch her favorite fucking Romantic Comedy, I’m gonna get wasted and yap at her through the whole goddamn thing…
I’m gonna ask with a condescending giggle - “IS THAT RYAN GOSSLING???” about every actor on the screen, even after she’s told me repeatedly (less politely each time) that he’s not even in this particular movie....
Just tried to take it TWO days at a time...
and badly sprained my space-time continuum.
January 2012
15 posts
Dear Everyone,
Did I miss the meeting where we all decided we watch and love something called Downton Abbey???
Sure seems like it…
It is, apparently, a British series airing here in the States on PBS…
Okay. So, what, was Mad Men not white enough for us?!
JEEZ!
I’m struggling to think of what we’ll like next. I didn’t think it could get whiter than the 1960’s advertising...
I'm not a GOTH now, you guys...
It was the BLACK JELLYBEANS!
I swear!
I've been minding my P's & Q's...
which sucks, cuz I’ve had to take precious attention away from my preferred T’s & A’s.
“My bling bling is crunk - fo’ shizzle!” - Shit My Aunt Hasn’t Said…Yet.
TO CLARIFY:
when I said my material hit with the force & precision of Muhammad Ali… I meant present-day Muhammad Ali.
One-hit wonder bands shouldn’t be allowed to release covers of one-hit wonder songs… Yes, I’m looking at you, Sixpence None the Richer’s cover of “Don’t Dream It’s Over”…
December 2011
15 posts
HER: Do you have New Year’s Eve plans?
ME: I don’t have New Year’s Year plans!
WAIT!
Now my internal monologue is getting BOOed!
I'm sad to see Christmas go this year...
ONLY because my SANTADUSKY bit was getting the biggest reaction to any joke I’ve ever done…
#thereasonfortheseason #mallsantasaredisturbingandverycreepywhenyouthinkaboutit
The Tyrant does not exist in a vacuum.
He depends on an extremely warped public ideology to thrive and hold power.
The people - the poor citizens - are truly certain they are the “chosen people.” Without this deeply flawed belief in their own supremacy they could not exist. That’s why they repeat the mantra so frequently - to keep the blinders to their own despair firmly in place. Because it’s obvious no...
Staying True To Myself
hasn’t worked!!!
Gonna try Staying False To Somebody Else now…
THIS WEEK IN WEIRD FUCKING INTERNET VIDS
First, it came out Will Ferrell - in the Will Ferrellingest fuckin’ move of all time - approached Pabst Brewing to see if he could do a series of local ads filmed and aired only in Davenport, Iowa, for free!
They said yes:
Then, another series of Ferrell/Old Milwaukee ads launched exclusively in Terre Haute, Indiana:
And just when it seemed like the week couldn’t...
I TURNED IT UP TO 11 TODAY!
Unfortch, “it” was my depression…
Friggin’ Romney, man…
Gets Dan Quayle’s endorsement today and tries to claim that he “always” spelled it “Potatoe“…
Flipe-Floppere!
November 2011
12 posts
HER: (changing radio station) A Justin Bieber Christmas album! Ridiculous!
ME: C’mon now… He’s had a virgin birth, too…
INCREDIBLY HOT WOMAN approaches, sheepishly, after the show.
She smiles.
I smile back.
“You were hilarious!” she says, touching my arm.
Gulp.
It’s on.
“Thanks,” I reply, blood rushing from head to head.
“My friend LOVED you, too. We were laughing the whole time! Oh my God…”
“AWESOME!” I say. “Glad you...
HER: I can be pretty ingenious some of the time…
ME: Well, I can be pretty ungenious most of the time.
It can get confusing...
so let me translate some Washington D.C. politi-speak into plain old English for ‘ya:
When someone says “I’m such a wonk” that means “I’m an asshole!”
Does the fact that there’s now more analysis of comedy than actual new comedy being created endanger comedy?
- Someone should discuss this on the comedy blog they write for or one of the million podcasts going about comedy!
IMPORTANT LESSON OF COMEDY LEARNED FROM OPENING A FOLK CONCERT:
Never open up a folk concert.
That is all.
It'd be helpful
if restaurants offered a “Swear List” at the table, like a Wine List, just with the curses that I can appropriately and (semi-) loudly use in the establishment without getting disapproving stares/thrown out.
October 2011
6 posts
Most of America deals with Trick or Treaters
NYC deals with Trick or Tweakers
