TONY enters the Chinese restaurant and approaches the LADY behind the counter. He peruses the menu a moment.
TONY
Hmm… Pfffffffttttttttt….
(beat)
I’ll have, uhm… the Shrimp in Green Dragon Sauce.
LADY
(smiling)
Good, good…
She raises an eyebrow and shoots Tony a furtive glance.
TONY
Is it really spicy?
LADY
No, no…
(giggling)
It’s not too spicy.
TONY
What, then?
LADY
Oh… nothing.
She covers her face with her hands, nervously.
TONY
What?!
LADY
Do you want to know what’s in the sauce?
TONY
No.
LADY
That’s smart.
TONY
Is it?
LADY
Yeah, most people order, then find out what’s in it and cancel.
TONY
(looooooong contemplative pause)
(deep breath)
Okay, what’s in it?
She stands there, stoically.
TONY
WHAT!?
LADY
(beat)
Do you like cumin?
TONY
(relieved)
Yeah, I like cumin…
(hesitantly)
That’s what bothers people about it?
LADY
Oh, no… It’s the rest of what’s in the sauce.
TONY
Don’t tell me, I don’t care… I don’t wanna know.
LADY
That’s wise.
TONY
TELL ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!
She opens her mouth to respond.
TONY
STOP! DON’T TELL ME!!!!!!!
—-And that concludes today’s edition of Basically Verbatim Theatre—-
* - it’s taking all the strength I can muster to not google the name of the restaurant and “Green Dragon Sauce”… but it was damn good…
Which estate do you think the “free credit report dot com” people bought that ‘himalayas - true playas’ verse from - Tupac’s…or Biggie’s?
Or’d Shawn Carter ghostwrite that???
HAD to have been sacred when that shit got dropped in the studio.
Next time she’s trying to watch her favorite fucking Romantic Comedy, I’m gonna get wasted and yap at her through the whole goddamn thing…
I’m gonna ask with a condescending giggle - “IS THAT RYAN GOSSLING???” about every actor on the screen, even after she’s told me repeatedly (less politely each time) that he’s not even in this particular movie.
I’m gonna be conspicuously silent, paying rapt attention while shushing her snide remarks, during the scene in the middle where Jennifer Aniston takes off her bra and panties, but right after it’s over I’m gonna say something like “Why can’t the whole thing be like that?”
I’m gonna mock key points in the action with BIG declarations - “Oh, is Reese Witherspoon having doubts about her love! AWWW!!!!”
I’m gonna contemptuously ask if we can change the channel while she’s sobbing at the end - after Katherine Heigl’s love has made the bad boy finally change his ways and they make out in the pouring rain, but before her horny overweight best friend dumps her boyfriend and tells off her boss and signs up for cooking school - because, in my opinion, it’s “over” at that point, no need to watch to the credits…
Yeah… next time she’s trying to watch her favorite fucking Romantic Comedy, I’m gonna get wasted and yap at her through the whole goddamn thing…
Anyway, how was your Super Bowl party?
(Above, Tim Tebow “Tebowing” with Maria Menounos at a Super Bowl party)
Matthew 6:5-6: ”And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men….when thou prayest, enter into thy closet and when thou has shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret….” - Jesus
Wait - what was I talking about?
Oh, yeah…
So at this Super Bowl party last night, Tim Tebow was being “flocked by women” but seemed quite smitten with Extra host Maria Menounos… I get why ladies would want Tebow, I guess - the money, the fame… he Really, REALLY, REALLY wants to get married…
I’m gonna start selling “MM!” wristbands - so people can wear “WWJD?” on one hand and “MM!” (Maria Menounos) on the other…
I like John Krasinski…
He reminds me a lot of Cosby…
Not his comedic acting style.
His movie role choices.
Just tried to take it TWO days at a time…
and badly sprained my space-time continuum.
Dear Everyone,
Did I miss the meeting where we all decided we watch and love something called Downton Abbey???
Sure seems like it…
It is, apparently, a British series airing here in the States on PBS…
Okay. So, what, was Mad Men not white enough for us?!
JEEZ!
I’m struggling to think of what we’ll like next. I didn’t think it could get whiter than the 1960’s advertising world, but World War I-era British aristocracy - MAN, THAT’S FUCKING ! (I wrote “WHITE” in that previous sentence in white text)
Maybe the next thing will be about an Arctic Circle Polar Bear colony (Arctic Circle)(?!). I dunno.
Well, guess I’ll have to be fashionably late to this one, as usual. Keep me abreast of what we like in the future. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Tony
BREWER RELEASES COPY OF LETTER SHE HANDED TO OBAMA
“In a sudden about-face, Gov. Jan Brewer on Thursday evening made public a copy of the letter she handed President Barack Obama during their high-profile encounter a day earlier that dominated national news, the blogosphere and water-cooler conversation,” reports The Arizona Republic.
Dear Mr. “President” (LOL) (*SIGH!*) (UGH),
As you can see by the Red, White and Blue crayon this letter was written with, I HEART this country, BIG TIME!!! As someone actually born here I can understand why it’s more difficult for a foreigner like you to truly appreciate all the neat, amazing stuff this land offers. I know the demands of your office are great. You’ve surely been very busy consulting with Chavez and Achmenidijad, helping Kim Jong U.N. learn the ropes, studying Europe for good socialist ideas, apologizing to EVERYONE all over the freakin’ place, putting people on food stamps, putting people on welfare and reading your “holy” koran. I get you don’t have the time to notice that down here in Arizona there’s a freakin’ butt ton of Mexicans doing the salsa right over the border into MY country! It’s ridiculous, man! I know you’ve probably never read that Constitution as you’ve put it through the oval office paper shredder, but there’s a big part in there about “EVERYONE’S CREATED EQUAL BY GOD (except for the Mexicans - KEEP ‘EM OUT OF HERE!)” That’s a direct quote. So, since you ain’t gonna be doing anything about it, I will. YOU ARE EVIL AND ARE DESTROYING THIS NATION!
Cordially yours,
Jan
I don’t know what kind of mad/mystical science is behind the Wu-Name Generator, but this (first try ever!) is hitting a little too close to home…
WEIRD.
I’m not a GOTH now, you guys…
It was the BLACK JELLYBEANS!
I swear!
BOCK: Welcome to the #TonySystem
INT. FUTURISTIC COMEDY CLUB STAGE
Laser lights flash as two large “SURRENDER WEAK” banners hang behind the stage. TONY BOCK falls from the sky and lands on-stage with a SPLAT.
GFX: TONYSYSTEM
A crowd BOOS as Tony meekly limps around the stage like a fucked up deer.
TONY
You’re at the bottom of your game’s!
We see KRIS HUMPRHIES in the crowd in a tuxedo, seated next to former President JIMMY CARTER.
TONY
You couldn’t be less prestigious!
Singer LANA DEL REY runs her hand through her flowing hair.
TONY
You don’t even have your own space!
BERNIE MADOFF, in a prison jumpsuit, nods solemnly.
MADOFF
I don’t.
TONY
You taught me everything I know.
CARROT TOP beams with pride as JAR JAR BINKS looks on in admiration.
VINCE SHLOMI, The Slap Chop dude, sits next to THE WINKLEVOSS TWINS, who are both daintily sipping on cans of New Coke.
TONY
So what’s next? Where do you go from the bottom? (beat) You go under the bottom.
GFX: An upside-down pyramid with “Failure” highlighted at the bottom and arrows pointing out to “The TonySystem” below.
MADOFF
Sounds powerfully legitimate!
TONY
How do you know when you’re in the TonySystem? (beat) (SUPER cocky) Look at ‘yer feet.
The assembled crowd looks down and they’re all wearing the 2013 GROUND BOCKS.
TONY
Any questions?
STEVE BARTMAN, in familiar Cubs ball cap and turtleneck/sweatshirt, removes his headphones dramatically.
BARTMAN
What if you’ve really failed?
VINCE, from Slap Chop
He makes a good point…
TONY
(4-minute pause) (bowing)
I’m sorry…
##END##
Gotta say the doc about the final LCD Soundsystem show ever SHUT UP AND PLAY THE HITS looks pretty dope…
I think I’m gonna call the doc about my final stand-up show ever SHUT UP.
I’ve been minding my P’s & Q’s…
which sucks, cuz I’ve had to take precious attention away from my preferred T’s & A’s.
It’s with great sadness and a tremendously heavy heart that I regretfully inform you that, indeed, I clicked on this link.
(TRY NOT TO - JUST TRY…)
(DARE ‘YA!)
(*DOUBLE DOG DARE ‘YA!!!*)
The only “Joyful Noise” I can possibly imagine hearing during the movie Joyful Noise is my death rattle.
