ME: Well, I went to an all-boys Jesuit Catholic High School, so…
HER: That explains so much… (contemplative pause) That explains so fucking much…
WOMEN WHO DRINK GAIN LESS WEIGHT
They’re keeping off the pounds by running from cops and from all that promiscuous, drunken sex!
I predict drinking (and doing coke) will become the fad for girls trying to keep slim- wait, it already is?
I think I’ve “struck gold” today - in my neverending quest to find the perfect lawsuit - thanks to Lindsay Lohan, of course…
See, Lindsay’s suing E-Trade for $100 million claiming a character (the boyfriend-stealing, “milkaholic”) “Lindsay” in their new campaign is SO OBVS based on…her!
Well, Kellogg’s, get your legal team ready, because “Tony the Tiger” is OBVIOUSLY based on ME!
I say “Grrrreat!” ALL THE FUCKING TIME!
Everyone’s been talking about the similarity!
$200 Million sounds like about enough to repair the damage to my reputation…
So Saturday - due to a last minute cancellation - I was asked if I wanted to participate in “The Naked Comedy Showcase” to do stand-up comedy to an audience - completely nude!
I seriously thought about saying yes… but didn’t…
And not for the reason you’re thinking…
I said no ‘cause I was embarrassed my tiny penis would get more laughs than my material would!
Revenge
is a dish best served with horse manure styled to look like chocolate
U.S. WILL DETERMINE WHO CAN BOARD SOME CANADIAN FLIGHTS
Now whether they land on-time depends on whether the Air Traffic Controllers over here have a poopy diaper or not…
If you hadn’t heard - a child was up in the tower directing traffic… which led me, of course, to a killer Reality Show idea!
We let the kid (who really wasn’t that bad) do a number of other tasks “adults” do - like running a major television network or being governor…and we see what happens!
KID BOSS
Zach Galifianakis & Vampire Weekend on one “SNL” episode is so EPIC that people all over Brooklyn - from Williamsburg to Park Slope - are considering pooling their monies together to buy a TV!
Well FUCK!
The Dollar Store DOES NOT take credit cards!
So I was walking along in Brooklyn last night - in one of those areas that’s not too far from where I live, yet one that I’d never been to before - when I got to a block that was unexpectedly…nice. And cool!
And I actually stopped in front of one building just to look - an obviously brand new structure (which stuck out compared to the stately old brownstones next to it) which had an awesome set of balconies and a cool design.
I was impressed.
Then, I heard something. Some pebbles rustling down near my feet.
I looked down, and saw a HUGE RAT - beady eyes staring right into mine, hind legs aggressively kicking up gravel… He sped off as I braced myself to jump away from his advance.
I quickly fled.
And for those of you reading this who don’t live out here - that’s what it’s like.
HIM: Thanks to Tony Bock for leading the charge!
ME: Yeah… I’m General Custer…
A Famous Person
upon hearing my plans to “make it” in show business years ago - gave me advice I’ll never forget…
THERE’S NO POT OF GOLD AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW
I didn’t quite get it, then - I was young and naive… but, boy I sure get it now…
So let me pass that bit along to you and add:
THERE IS A POT OF SHIT AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW
SIZE-D IMPLANTS SAVED WOMAN’S LIFE
By stopping a bullet!
(tearing up)
That’s what I call a Win-Win-Win!!!!!!!
You reap what you sow…
Why oh why did I only plant all those Staggering Debt seeds???
Bad Pick-Up Line:
(singing)
Get outta my dreams…and into my car… actually, hold up…wait, no, don’t get in this car, dude’s charging $15.00 to fucking Park Slope and I can’t afford that!
Rut Coach
If people can be Life Coaches then why can’t I be a Rut Coach??? I can instruct you on how to get into a rut and then stay in a rut - for a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, loooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg time!
They say concentrate on what you know!
E-mail if things are going too well!
