tony bock

award-wanting writer * comic * actor * producer


porn foley artist  +  live @ gotham  +  bombing w/footnotes! +  x-bock +  pinkman impression +  p.s.a.  +  true blood hero  +  explosivo live show  +  tmz animals +  stand-up @ carolines = over one million views, son

You Might Be a Redneck If…

- you’re painting, and in the course of a project red paint was spilled on your neck

- you’ve been bit on the neck by a spider or insect of some sort, causing a rash or skin abnormality

- your neck, as opposed to the rest of your body, adheres to a communist ideology 

- you are artist Red Grooms

- you are a cardinal

- in the course of being amorous, you’ve received multiple overlapping hickeys during “necking”

- you’ve neglected to cover your neck and received an overexposure of ultraviolet radiation rays

- for any reason whatsoever, light with spectral coordinates somewhere between 620 and 740nm & a frequency between 480 and 400THz hits you anywhere between the anterior belly of your Digastricus and your Supraclavicular fossa 

*The Fruits of My Labor*

- just reaped a harvest, so if anyone’s lookin’ for Sour Grapes, I got ‘em by the bunches!!!

TONY enters the Chinese restaurant and approaches the LADY behind the counter. He peruses the menu a moment. 

TONY

Hmm… Pfffffffttttttttt….  

(beat)

I’ll have, uhm… the Shrimp in Green Dragon Sauce.

LADY

(smiling)

Good, good… 

She raises an eyebrow and shoots Tony a furtive glance.

TONY

Is it really spicy?

LADY

No, no… 

(giggling)

It’s not too spicy.

TONY

What, then?

LADY

Oh… nothing.

She covers her face with her hands, nervously.

TONY

What?!

LADY

Do you want to know what’s in the sauce?

TONY

No.

LADY

That’s smart. 

TONY

Is it?

LADY

Yeah, most people order, then find out what’s in it and cancel.

TONY

(looooooong contemplative pause)

(deep breath)

Okay, what’s in it?

She stands there, stoically.

TONY

WHAT!?

LADY

(beat)

Do you like cumin?

TONY

(relieved)

Yeah, I like cumin…

(hesitantly)

That’s what bothers people about it?

LADY

Oh, no… It’s the rest of what’s in the sauce.

TONY

Don’t tell me, I don’t care… I don’t wanna know.

LADY

That’s wise. 

TONY

TELL ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!

She opens her mouth to respond.

TONY

STOP! DON’T TELL ME!!!!!!! 

—-And that concludes today’s edition of Basically Verbatim Theatre—-

* - it’s taking all the strength I can muster to not google the name of the restaurant and “Green Dragon Sauce”… but it was damn good.