BREWER RELEASES COPY OF LETTER SHE HANDED TO OBAMA
“In a sudden about-face, Gov. Jan Brewer on Thursday evening made public a copy of the letter she handed President Barack Obama during their high-profile encounter a day earlier that dominated national news, the blogosphere and water-cooler conversation,” reports The Arizona Republic.
Dear Mr. “President” (LOL) (*SIGH!*) (UGH),
As you can see by the Red, White and Blue crayon this letter was written with, I HEART this country, BIG TIME!!! As someone actually born here I can understand why it’s more difficult for a foreigner like you to truly appreciate all the neat, amazing stuff this land offers. I know the demands of your office are great. You’ve surely been very busy consulting with Chavez and Achmenidijad, helping Kim Jong U.N. learn the ropes, studying Europe for good socialist ideas, apologizing to EVERYONE all over the freakin’ place, putting people on food stamps, putting people on welfare and reading your “holy” koran. I get you don’t have the time to notice that down here in Arizona there’s a freakin’ butt ton of Mexicans doing the salsa right over the border into MY country! It’s ridiculous, man! I know you’ve probably never read that Constitution as you’ve put it through the oval office paper shredder, but there’s a big part in there about “EVERYONE’S CREATED EQUAL BY GOD (except for the Mexicans - KEEP ‘EM OUT OF HERE!)” That’s a direct quote. So, since you ain’t gonna be doing anything about it, I will. YOU ARE EVIL AND ARE DESTROYING THIS NATION!
Cordially yours,
Jan
I don’t know what kind of mad/mystical science is behind the Wu-Name Generator, but this (first try ever!) is hitting a little too close to home…
WEIRD.
I’m not a GOTH now, you guys…
It was the BLACK JELLYBEANS!
I swear!
BOCK: Welcome to the #TonySystem
INT. FUTURISTIC COMEDY CLUB STAGE
Laser lights flash as two large “SURRENDER WEAK” banners hang behind the stage. TONY BOCK falls from the sky and lands on-stage with a SPLAT.
GFX: TONYSYSTEM
A crowd BOOS as Tony meekly limps around the stage like a fucked up deer.
TONY
You’re at the bottom of your game’s!
We see KRIS HUMPRHIES in the crowd in a tuxedo, seated next to former President JIMMY CARTER.
TONY
You couldn’t be less prestigious!
Singer LANA DEL REY runs her hand through her flowing hair.
TONY
You don’t even have your own space!
BERNIE MADOFF, in a prison jumpsuit, nods solemnly.
MADOFF
I don’t.
TONY
You taught me everything I know.
CARROT TOP beams with pride as JAR JAR BINKS looks on in admiration.
VINCE SHLOMI, The Slap Chop dude, sits next to THE WINKLEVOSS TWINS, who are both daintily sipping on cans of New Coke.
TONY
So what’s next? Where do you go from the bottom? (beat) You go under the bottom.
GFX: An upside-down pyramid with “Failure” highlighted at the bottom and arrows pointing out to “The TonySystem” below.
MADOFF
Sounds powerfully legitimate!
TONY
How do you know when you’re in the TonySystem? (beat) (SUPER cocky) Look at ‘yer feet.
The assembled crowd looks down and they’re all wearing the 2013 GROUND BOCKS.
TONY
Any questions?
STEVE BARTMAN, in familiar Cubs ball cap and turtleneck/sweatshirt, removes his headphones dramatically.
BARTMAN
What if you’ve really failed?
VINCE, from Slap Chop
He makes a good point…
TONY
(4-minute pause) (bowing)
I’m sorry…
##END##
Gotta say the doc about the final LCD Soundsystem show ever SHUT UP AND PLAY THE HITS looks pretty dope…
I think I’m gonna call the doc about my final stand-up show ever SHUT UP.
I’ve been minding my P’s & Q’s…
which sucks, cuz I’ve had to take precious attention away from my preferred T’s & A’s.
It’s with great sadness and a tremendously heavy heart that I regretfully inform you that, indeed, I clicked on this link.
(TRY NOT TO - JUST TRY…)
(DARE ‘YA!)
(*DOUBLE DOG DARE ‘YA!!!*)
The only “Joyful Noise” I can possibly imagine hearing during the movie Joyful Noise is my death rattle.
We all know the google definition of “Santorum” - so I think we should get one started for “Romney”:
Romney 1. The damp mix of sweat and oily moisturizer residue left on your shirt that is sometimes the byproduct of a condescending slap on the back from your boss immediately after he fires you. 2. Governor Mitt Romney.
Q: Is this picture of me with social media master Rob Delaney after the show last night as close as I’m ever gonna get to being big on twitter?
A: ABSOLUTELY!
Romney, when asked for his response to Mike Huckabee’s (forehanded compliment/) comment that “Mitt Romney is the ‘Denny’s’ of the Republican field”, hastily turned to an aide and asked, “What’s a Denny’s?”
After an explanation of what Huck meant, Mitt returned the favor, noting that “Mike Huckabee is the One-Star Guide Michelin rated ‘La Grande Cascade’ distinctive Francaise haute cuisine of the GOP.”
“My bling bling is crunk - fo’ shizzle!” - Shit My Aunt Hasn’t Said…Yet.
TO CLARIFY:
when I said my material hit with the force & precision of Muhammad Ali… I meant present-day Muhammad Ali.
One-hit wonder bands shouldn’t be allowed to release covers of one-hit wonder songs… Yes, I’m looking at you, Sixpence None the Richer’s cover of “Don’t Dream It’s Over”…
Some people think this reunited Van Halen is too old to put on the same epic show they used to, but I’ve read a little about their tour rehearsal and I think their sets are still gonna ROCK!
Here’s some of the highlights of their new show:
- “Jump” has been rearranged into the safer, more age-appropriate “Hop” (“Might as well hop. HOP! Go ahead, hop”)
- Eddie Van Halen has really cut down on his drinking - he’s down to three 12-packs a day!
- Tour Rider stipulates any brown cholesterol, Propecia or Cialis pills to be removed from dressing room.
- “Right Now” has been rearranged into “Back Then” (“C’mon, please be ‘83! BACK THEN! Hey!”)
- Eddie’s not so sensitive and quick to anger over the whole Gary Cherone-as-lead-singer thing because he doesn’t remember who Gary Cherone is or that he was ever lead singer.
- “Hot for Teacher” has been rearranged into “Hot for Night Nurse”
