I was exhausted from moving…didn’t want to do anything but sit back and have a laugh at some dumb comedy…I was excited and in the perfect frame of mind for this one, I thought…
When the movie came out several months ago, someone actually said Ryan Phillippe stole ”MacGruber”…
NO - “MacGruber” stole Ryan Phillippe…
And $4.95 for inDemand!
And 1 hour and 35 minutes of my life!!!!!!!!!!!
And some amount of storage space in my brain!
You know it’s horrid when you seriously regret not renting “Hot Tub Time Machine”…
My advice? Wait for it to go to cable before not watching it!
So… as I was saying - I moved.
Let’s state some ground rules on my awesome new room - and how to act when inside…
Here’s the policy I prefer:
Fellas - Look But Don’t Touch.
Ladies - Touch… BUT DON’T LOOK!
WOW!
Finishing up moving out today…
Crazy…
Not a good sign: Can’t decide which reality show would be more appropriate for documenting the process - “Intervention” or “Hoarders”…
Hoardervention?!?!?
I always thought my unprofitable, outside the mainstream media/popular culture comedy act had placed my career/”brand” solidly in the UNDERGROUND.
Just didn’t think it’d be the old six-feet underground, in a casket type…
HIM: I can’t believe you don’t think that’s Bullshit…
ME: That’s so not Bullshit it’s Humanconstipation!
I’m working on a new screenplay!
THE EXPANDABLES
The film is about an elite group of comedians, tasked with a mission to expand upon one lame premise to make the hackiest joke of all time…
SINBAD
COULIER
DUNHAM
MENCIA
DICE CLAY
SAGET
COOK
GALLAGHER
TOP
POUNDSTONE
PISCOPO
Dear Friends/Family:
I have decided to not run the ING New York City Marathon 2010 and I am asking for your support in this inspiring mission. I’m not running in honor of me. “As I continue to decrease my fitness level, I am looking for less challenges,” I said. “This is an amazing opportunity to not run and I couldn’t pass it up.”
I would greatly appreciate it if you could look within your soul and donate more than you can afford to this worthwhile endeavor.
Or are you a Monster?
These contributions are probably not “legally speaking” “tax-deductible” - but you can give it a shot! Why not?! Oh, and everyone should (has to) give something… even my hipster comrades/peers - there’s always a pawn shop, so - no excuses!
You know how to get a hold of me…
See you at the finish line! Not! Hahaha! *Cough*
Tony
BIG NEWS!
MY BOOK IS FINALLY DONE!!!
What I Know About Comedy by Tony Bock
242 completely blank fuckin’ pages…
Coming to stores never!
Yesterday…
1:00: I read that the last combat brigade is leaving Iraq!
1:05: Begin plans to head to Times Square to get in on the festivities!
1:55: Exit subway on 42nd st.
1:57: Buy sailor costume from shop.
2:03: Shocked to see no one celebrating in Times Sq.
2:04: Shocked to see people hula-hooping in Times Sq.
2:05: Attempt to get smooch from tourist by declaring War is Over! and suggesting we try to match the famous WWII photo.
2:06: Get slapped by an angry Ohio mom.
2:14: Approached by Officer James McMurphy from the NYPD.
2:16: Released due to lack of evidence by Officer James McMurphy from the NYPD.
2:17: Suggest to a woman dressed as the Statue of Liberty that I’ll take her flyer if she kisses me in celebration of the end of the war!
2:17: Full-speed sprint away from Officer James McMurphy from the NYPD.
2:25: Announce loudly in Times Sq.: “All I want is to photograph a kiss here for history’s sake!”
2:26: Find it odd “Rhonda” has an Adam’s Apple, but get my shot nonetheless! FINALLY!
2:42: Am forcibly removed from the Life magazine lobby by security after a RIDICULOUSLY SHORTSIGHTED editorial decision!
AN IM CONVERSATION WITH THOMAS JEFFERSON
tonybock: Mr. President! I wanted to ask you about the raging controversy of our time!
TJEFF1776: Yeah, just catching up with the news down there - what’s this I hear they’re replacing Simon with Steven Tyler from Aerosmith?
tonybock: No, I was talking about the mosque controversy!
TJEFF1776: I’m not familiar…
tonybock: Basically they want to build a mosque on private property close to Ground Zero.
TJEFF1776: Well, that’s good news. I assume with a “controversy” this tame that the whole economy thing is cleared up???
tonybock: Heh… Not really…
TJEFF1776: :(
TJEFF1776: The mosque, it makes some uncomfortable I presume?
tonybock: Yes, some think that’s not an appropriate place for a mosque.
TJEFF1776: And the party that prides itself on being about a strict interpretation of the constitution cleared this up right quickly?
tonybock: Heh… Not really…
TJEFF1776: :<
TJEFF1776: “To suffer the civil magistrate to intrude his powers into the field of opinion and to restrain the profession or propagation of principles on supposition of their ill tendency is a dangerous fallacy which at once destroys all religious liberty, because he being of course judge of that tendency will make his opinions the rule of judgment and approve or condemn the sentiments of others only as they shall square with or differ from his own.”
TJEFF1776: I dropped that in 1779, Papi… We were pretty big on the whole freedom of religion thing…
tonybock: Word… I think tolerance and respect and equality under the law for cultures and peoples different from us was one of the neatest things you guys did.
TJEFF1776: Respect and equality is absolutely *essential* - it’s about who we are as a people… it’s about bridging differences with former foes, not mocking them eternally or putting them down for some crass fun because we can! In fact, I wonder… what’s going on with the Braves right now?
tonybock: They’re up in the East, just acquired Derek Lee for some prospects-
TJEFF1776: What? No, I mean, uhm… The Redskins???
tonybock: Camp opened up, Haynesworth finally passed his physical-
TJEFF1776: Huh? I’m talking about: THE INDIANS!
tonybock: Rebuilding… *again*.
TJEFF1776: My God, man, I’m not following you… I gotta get off, I got shuffleboard with Heath Ledger in five!
Hope this kerfuffle doesn’t dampen the fundraising/business prospects for my national franchise idea: GROUND ZERO FALAFEL
ME: ‘Ya think Mark Hamill got typecast?
HIM: No. (pause) He didn’t get cast!
Funny Story
While I was busy dithering, intensely going back-and-forth internally over whether I should, well, end it by suddenly dropping off the face of the earth and not making contact anymore - you know what she was doing?
ENDING IT BY DROPPING OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH AND NOT MAKING CONTACT ANYMORE!
JOB OPPORTUNITY!!!!
With my luck it’s probably Guild Only…
